1 00:00:01,294 --> 00:00:03,754 Rick: Look, I'm not paying 70 [burps] smidgens 2 00:00:03,838 --> 00:00:05,464 for a [burps] broken defraculator. 3 00:00:05,548 --> 00:00:08,676 That is multiphase quantum resonator. 4 00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:10,511 - Well, does it defraculate? - Fuck no. 5 00:00:10,595 --> 00:00:12,513 Then... then —- then it's a broken defraculator. 6 00:00:12,597 --> 00:00:14,515 Like you would even know dick about fraculation! 7 00:00:14,599 --> 00:00:16,225 Your planet just got cellphones, 8 00:00:16,309 --> 00:00:18,311 and the coverage still sucks! 9 00:00:18,394 --> 00:00:20,438 Rick: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. 10 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,273 So, let's say 60 smidgens. 11 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:23,983 I tell you what —- I'll do you a favor. 12 00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:25,568 I'll throw in a fart. 13 00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:27,570 Hey, uh, Rick, urn, you think 14 00:00:27,653 --> 00:00:29,405 maybe I could get something from this place, 15 00:00:29,488 --> 00:00:31,240 like a souvenir, like, just to have -... 16 00:00:31,324 --> 00:00:32,992 Like, something cool, you know? 17 00:00:33,075 --> 00:00:34,595 Not here, morty. We'll stop somewhere else. 18 00:00:34,619 --> 00:00:36,829 Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. 19 00:00:36,913 --> 00:00:38,831 Morty: Oh, okay. I just, um -... 20 00:00:38,915 --> 00:00:40,515 You know, I thought that robot over there 21 00:00:40,583 --> 00:00:42,335 looked pretty cool, you know? 22 00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:44,795 Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? 23 00:00:44,879 --> 00:00:46,422 Yeah! You know, I mean... 24 00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:48,132 It's different from the stuff on earth, 25 00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:50,194 and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places 26 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,677 across the galaxy, 27 00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:53,681 and, you know, I don't really have anything to... 28 00:00:53,763 --> 00:00:55,640 To remember all those trips by. 29 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,642 It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. 30 00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,393 You know, like, what if you passed away 31 00:00:59,477 --> 00:01:00,770 or died or something? 32 00:01:00,853 --> 00:01:02,563 I wouldn't even have anything to remember 33 00:01:02,647 --> 00:01:04,357 all the cool stuff we did, you know? 34 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,359 Okay. 60 [burps] for the resonator, 35 00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:09,111 and my grandson wants the sex robot. 36 00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:43,104 [Rhythmic creaking ] 37 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,860 So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? 38 00:01:49,944 --> 00:01:51,946 I'm not saying that's a bad idea -—just asking. 39 00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:53,781 Rick, why would you let morty 40 00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,908 bring that thing into our house?! 41 00:01:55,992 --> 00:01:57,427 I don't know. What do you want from me? 42 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,745 He thi—- he thou... He thought it looked cool. 43 00:01:59,829 --> 00:02:00,663 You know what I mean? 44 00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:01,914 Whew! 45 00:02:01,998 --> 00:02:05,626 [Gulping] 46 00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:07,420 Ahh. All right. 47 00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:10,006 Back to -— back to... B-Back upstairs. 48 00:02:10,089 --> 00:02:11,882 [Footsteps depart, door closes in distance] 49 00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:13,843 [Rhythmic creaking ] 50 00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:15,303 Well, I'm intervening. 51 00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:16,971 Intervening with pubefly? 52 00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,432 You'll turn him into Ralph fiennes in "red dragon." 53 00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:22,560 He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. 54 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,104 Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? 55 00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:26,105 [Footsteps approach ] 56 00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:28,399 Um, Rick, could you come with me, please... 57 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:29,608 Q-Quickly? 58 00:02:29,692 --> 00:02:33,612 Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. 59 00:02:33,696 --> 00:02:35,281 [Warbling ] 60 00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:37,116 Where's the sex robot, morty? 61 00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:39,327 That is Gwendolyn... I-I mean, the robot! 62 00:02:39,410 --> 00:02:41,829 She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! 63 00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,497 Strange... that's usually the man's job. 64 00:02:43,581 --> 00:02:45,207 You know what I'm talking about, morty? 65 00:02:45,291 --> 00:02:47,084 Wubba-iubba—dub—dub! [ Laughs] 66 00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:48,586 Morty! [Laughs] 67 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,254 That's my catchphrase, remember? 68 00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:52,923 Remember... remember how I... How I cemented that catchphrase? 69 00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:54,401 All right. All right, seriously, though, 70 00:02:54,425 --> 00:02:55,551 let me grab this thing. 71 00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:57,595 [Grunts] 72 00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,472 Come on, you... rascal. 73 00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:02,558 - Okay, unacceptable! Oh. - What is going on? 74 00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,393 - [Giggles I - all right. Uh-oh. 75 00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:06,354 "Uh-oh"? What is that?! 76 00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,272 Hmm. I think morty's robot was designed 77 00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,733 for more than long weekends. 78 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,528 Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. 79 00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:16,447 Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, 80 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,157 and that there's half morty, half... 81 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,159 [Burps] Who... who knows wh-what? 82 00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:22,244 It's my bad, guys. I'll... I'll take care of it. 83 00:03:22,328 --> 00:03:23,930 - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! 84 00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,539 What do you think you're doing?! 85 00:03:25,623 --> 00:03:27,383 Hey, listen -— you guys quarantined the house 86 00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:29,136 when summer brought olives back from Mexico. 87 00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:31,288 I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. 88 00:03:31,337 --> 00:03:33,672 I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space aids. 89 00:03:33,756 --> 00:03:35,508 We gotta be careful. 90 00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:37,510 I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. 91 00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:38,844 I'm a father now! 92 00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:40,721 You know, it's time for me to be responsible. 93 00:03:40,805 --> 00:03:42,556 - Isn't that right... - Don't name it. 94 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,558 - Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. 95 00:03:44,642 --> 00:03:46,620 Well, dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. 96 00:03:46,644 --> 00:03:49,271 And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -... 97 00:03:49,355 --> 00:03:51,273 Jerry, majoring in civics was yourmistake. 98 00:03:51,357 --> 00:03:52,691 Don't punish us for it. 99 00:03:52,775 --> 00:03:54,235 [Groans] Fine. 100 00:03:54,318 --> 00:03:57,029 I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. 101 00:03:57,113 --> 00:03:59,031 Do not let that thing out of your sight. 102 00:03:59,115 --> 00:04:02,034 It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. 103 00:04:02,118 --> 00:04:04,036 Like the insane clown posse. 104 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,996 Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 105 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:08,624 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back. 106 00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,793 Ohh. He's like a little me! 107 00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:13,879 Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you? 108 00:04:13,963 --> 00:04:15,506 They always do. 109 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,842 Hey, uh, 1995 called! 110 00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:19,343 They want their "certain year called 111 00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:21,262 wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! 112 00:04:21,345 --> 00:04:23,305 Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? 113 00:04:23,389 --> 00:04:25,558 Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! 114 00:04:27,810 --> 00:04:29,603 - Out. - Whatcha doin'? 115 00:04:29,687 --> 00:04:31,397 Well, I can't solve the problem my way, 116 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,458 thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups. 117 00:04:33,482 --> 00:04:35,734 Gross. I might have just touched one of morty's loads. 118 00:04:35,818 --> 00:04:38,028 But maybe I can find suitable parents for morty Jr. 119 00:04:38,112 --> 00:04:41,866 On this robot's home world, which is... 120 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,868 Gazorpazorp in the Andromeda system. 121 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,871 - Scoot, summer. - Don't you need a new companion 122 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,873 now that morty's in the family way? 123 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:51,125 I don't do adventures with chicks, summer. 124 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,186 Oh, right... because there's something about having a wiener 125 00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:55,629 that would make me better at walking through a hole? 126 00:04:55,713 --> 00:04:58,757 - Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Oh, crap. 127 00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:00,718 Grandpa Rick! Ugh! 128 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:03,220 Help! Help! Aah! Aah! 129 00:05:03,304 --> 00:05:04,930 [ Roars ] 130 00:05:05,014 --> 00:05:07,808 Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! 131 00:05:07,892 --> 00:05:09,536 - Grandpa Rick! - Still think it's a good idea 132 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,061 to go through holes without a wiener? 133 00:05:11,145 --> 00:05:13,564 - I want to go home. - Yeah, no duh. 134 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,024 Ugh! 135 00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:16,275 [Gasdsi 136 00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:17,735 [ all snarling ] 137 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,737 Great. Now I have to take over a whole planet 138 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:22,114 because of your stupid boobs. 139 00:05:22,198 --> 00:05:24,950 - You're doing great, morty. - Really? You think? 140 00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:26,785 I mean, I'm not doing much of anything. 141 00:05:26,869 --> 00:05:28,120 What do I do if it cries? 142 00:05:28,204 --> 00:05:30,331 Then you put it down and let it cry itself out. 143 00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:32,917 Yeah, right. We tried that technique on summer, 144 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,127 and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? 145 00:05:35,211 --> 00:05:36,629 Yes, she is. 146 00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:38,631 She's gonna strip for attention 147 00:05:38,714 --> 00:05:40,633 because she was denied it. 148 00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:43,052 Stop filling it with your own insecurity. 149 00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:45,221 You're gonna turn it into morty... 150 00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:47,431 Uh, mm... more... More... more... more of you. 151 00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,266 Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles 152 00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:51,060 by a mentally ill scientist. 153 00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:52,895 - [ Vomits] - What the... aah! Aah! 154 00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:54,813 [Crying I 155 00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:57,233 listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. 156 00:05:57,316 --> 00:05:58,901 Knock it off, both of you! 157 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,736 G-Give me him! Give me my baby! 158 00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,530 You're both nuts! 159 00:06:02,613 --> 00:06:05,074 I'm gonna raise morty Jr. Myself! 160 00:06:05,157 --> 00:06:07,743 J” where's your hands? There's your hands j“ 161 00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:10,371 j” and that's how we play handy hands j” 162 00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:11,705 I giggles I 163 00:06:11,789 --> 00:06:13,916 oh, you are going to ruin that kid, morty. 164 00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:15,834 At least we can agree on that. 165 00:06:15,918 --> 00:06:17,962 [ All snarling ] 166 00:06:20,631 --> 00:06:23,425 [Growling] 167 00:06:23,509 --> 00:06:25,970 - Thanks, dum-dum. - [ Roars] 168 00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,556 I said, "thanks, dum-dum." Go get more. 169 00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:30,182 Summer, put your burqa on! 170 00:06:30,266 --> 00:06:32,184 That burqa is a human-rights violation, 171 00:06:32,268 --> 00:06:34,812 and I spent a lot on this top. 172 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,647 Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun 173 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,065 with a bunch of sex-doll parts, 174 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,483 and I have to do it one-handed 175 00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:41,569 to keep these belushis from carting you off. 176 00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:43,737 The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. 177 00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:46,198 Ugh. What's the deal with this place? 178 00:06:46,282 --> 00:06:47,992 Why is it such a sausage planet, 179 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,327 and how did such backward idiots invent robots? 180 00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:51,996 Obviously, at some point, 181 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,414 the gazorpians became so evolved 182 00:06:53,497 --> 00:06:55,958 that they replaced females with birthing machines. 183 00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:58,168 The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking 184 00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:00,129 allowed them to focus entirely on war, 185 00:07:00,212 --> 00:07:02,131 so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, 186 00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:04,150 and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy 187 00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:05,593 with sticks and rocks all day long. 188 00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:07,761 You think it's efficient to get rid of women? 189 00:07:07,845 --> 00:07:09,847 You ever see a line for the men's room? 190 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,658 Are you hear—- do you li... Do you hear me, summer? 191 00:07:11,682 --> 00:07:14,727 [Rumbling ] Droppin' loads. 192 00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:17,896 All: Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. 193 00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:22,192 [Between burps] The plot thickens. 194 00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:24,862 [All shouting indistinctly] 195 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,031 Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, summer. 196 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,158 Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. 197 00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,909 [All murmuring] 198 00:07:30,993 --> 00:07:32,036 Yeah, baby! 199 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,747 Summer, grab —- grab hold. 200 00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:36,123 Yeah, baby! 201 00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:37,583 Aaaah! 202 00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:42,212 Grandpa Rick, where are we going? 203 00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:43,839 Well, obviously, summer, 204 00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:45,924 it appears the lower tier of this society 205 00:07:46,008 --> 00:07:48,208 is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology 206 00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:50,929 by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar? 207 00:07:51,013 --> 00:07:52,890 [Gasdsi ticketmaster. 208 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,975 Oh, there... there we go, summer. 209 00:07:55,059 --> 00:07:56,727 Hey -— hey, brother. Hey, bro. 210 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,562 Nice racket you got going on here. 211 00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:01,398 Listen, I'm Rick Sanchez from earth dimension c-137. 212 00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:03,651 Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. 213 00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:06,528 It's all cool in the, uh —- "good in the neighborhood“ 214 00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:08,864 is what I was trying to come —- is what I meant. 215 00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:13,410 Oh, I get it... 216 00:08:13,494 --> 00:08:15,954 The old behind-every—great—man Amazon twist. 217 00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:18,248 - Silence! - [Choking ] 218 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,793 [Coughs] 219 00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:23,671 - Your slave is ill-mannered. - My slave? 220 00:08:23,754 --> 00:08:25,673 We assume you are from a more primitive world, 221 00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,883 where men are still permitted to be servants. 222 00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,427 If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him. 223 00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:32,096 He's my slave. He's my slave. 224 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,097 He's definitely my slave. 225 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,723 [ Chokes ] 226 00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:36,183 Ugh! Ohh! Oh—ho-ho! 227 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,976 [Coughs] Oh, boy. 228 00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:39,895 What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs“? 229 00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:41,814 Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? 230 00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:44,233 [ Burps] Are you guys kidding me? 231 00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,151 Morty: Oh, morty Jr.! 232 00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:48,237 You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? 233 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,406 You -— oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. 234 00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:52,241 Ohh. [Laughs] 235 00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:54,118 Ohh! Ha ha! 236 00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:55,119 Da. 237 00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,704 What was that, morty Jr.? 238 00:08:56,787 --> 00:08:58,664 Were you gonna say, "dada"? Say, "dada." 239 00:08:58,747 --> 00:08:59,747 Death! 240 00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:01,125 "Dada." 241 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,584 Domination! 242 00:09:02,668 --> 00:09:04,670 Um... "Dada"? 243 00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,672 Destruction. Domination. 244 00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:09,133 [ Clears throat] Nice. 245 00:09:14,138 --> 00:09:17,558 Woman on pa: The spider in sector ”c” is still alive. 246 00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:19,560 Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. 247 00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:21,562 We 're not telling you what to do. 248 00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,564 We 're just sharing how we feel. 249 00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,566 And now weather... Is anyone else said, 250 00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,651 or is it just me .7 251 00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:31,739 I am mar—sha, ruler of gazorpazorp. 252 00:09:31,822 --> 00:09:33,615 I am here if you need to talk. 253 00:09:33,699 --> 00:09:35,993 - What is this place? - Paradise. 254 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:38,746 We built it during the great passive-aggression, 255 00:09:38,829 --> 00:09:40,873 when the females separated from the males 256 00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:43,625 due to their increasingly destructive behavior. 257 00:09:43,709 --> 00:09:45,127 I am here if you need to talk. 258 00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,087 I am here if you need to talk. 259 00:09:47,171 --> 00:09:49,673 From here, we dispense mechanical surrogates 260 00:09:49,757 --> 00:09:51,175 to maintain our population. 261 00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:54,636 Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. 262 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,639 The females are placed into educational programs 263 00:09:57,723 --> 00:10:00,142 where they can discover a service to our paradise 264 00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:02,060 that fulfills them most. 265 00:10:02,144 --> 00:10:04,396 - Males... - [ Baby giggling] 266 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:08,066 They get to play outside. 267 00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:10,068 That was just a baby. 268 00:10:10,152 --> 00:10:12,130 And within a day, he'll be an adult male gazorpian... 269 00:10:12,154 --> 00:10:13,989 One of the most aggressively violent creatures 270 00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,324 in the universe. 271 00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:17,385 Wait a minute —- we're here because a male gazorpian 272 00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:19,787 was born on our planet. 273 00:10:22,456 --> 00:10:25,375 You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! 274 00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:27,920 It's true, though —- one of your babies was born on earth. 275 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:30,255 Are you the ruler of this earth? 276 00:10:30,339 --> 00:10:32,341 - How did you know? - The quality of your top. 277 00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:34,259 - Do you love it? - I love it. 278 00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:35,677 I'm here if you need to talk. 279 00:10:35,761 --> 00:10:37,095 I'm here if you need to talk. 280 00:10:37,179 --> 00:10:38,430 I'm here if you need to talk. 281 00:10:38,514 --> 00:10:41,183 If the gazorpian is male, your earth is in grave danger. 282 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,018 We will give you passage back home 283 00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:44,436 so it can be terminated. 284 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,104 But first, mojitos. 285 00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:47,940 We don't have time for mojitos. 286 00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:50,317 - You are insulting them. - I don't care, summer! 287 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,319 This place is the worst! I want to go home! 288 00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,321 Well, it really doesn't matter what you want, 289 00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:56,532 because this is a sane place where women rule. 290 00:10:56,615 --> 00:10:58,534 Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? 291 00:10:58,617 --> 00:10:59,910 [Farting ] 292 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,411 [All gasp] 293 00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:03,622 Woman: I cannot believe my ears! 294 00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:05,707 [Farting continues] 295 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,963 Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? 296 00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:13,048 Grandpa! 297 00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:15,259 - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! 298 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,927 It means “father of father." 299 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,263 Then this one is not your slave, 300 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,765 and your earth is yet another planet dominated by men. 301 00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:23,976 It's not dominated by us, okay? 302 00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:25,853 On earth, men and women are equals. 303 00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:29,356 Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job! 304 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,191 - Seize them! - Whoa! 305 00:11:31,275 --> 00:11:32,609 [Choking ] 306 00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:35,362 Was this really the time to make that point, summer? 307 00:11:37,406 --> 00:11:38,824 This is for you, daddy. 308 00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:40,117 Oh, man! 309 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,286 Um, okay. Listen to me, morty Jr. 310 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,955 I've got to tell you something very important, okay? 311 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,999 Killing is bad... bad! 312 00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:49,001 I giggles 1 you're silly, daddy. 313 00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,253 No, morty Jr. I'm being serious, okay? 314 00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:53,147 You need to put your energy into something else. 315 00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,840 I mean, what about dancing? 316 00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,359 Would you like to learn how to dance? 317 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,177 I'd like to dance... On the graves of my enemies. 318 00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:01,722 Ohh! No, morty Jr.! 319 00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,225 Daddy, can I go outside? 320 00:12:05,309 --> 00:12:06,768 No! Absolutely not! 321 00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:08,896 But that's where all the people and the animals are. 322 00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:11,148 Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -... 323 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,150 The air is poisonous for you! 324 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,586 You will die... You'll die instantly 325 00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:16,445 if you ever leave this house! 326 00:12:16,528 --> 00:12:17,779 - You hear me? - For real? 327 00:12:17,863 --> 00:12:19,573 For real times a million, buddy. 328 00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,033 So, let's just stay inside, 329 00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:23,035 and, you know, let's try dancing, right? 330 00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:25,037 Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. 331 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,914 Come on. Join -— Dance with me here. 332 00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:28,766 - We love to dance. - Why do we love to dance? 333 00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:31,209 - 'Cause I said so! - [Crying ] 334 00:12:31,293 --> 00:12:34,046 [ Both clearing throats ] Both: Nice. 335 00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:38,550 [ Indistinct conversations ] 336 00:12:38,634 --> 00:12:40,510 So, what are you in for? 337 00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,638 Because I got —- I got a big, 338 00:12:42,721 --> 00:12:44,514 you know, penis between my legs. 339 00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:46,350 What —- what —- what are you in for? 340 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,727 The worst crime a female can commit. 341 00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,354 Woman: Veronica Ann Bennett, 342 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,565 I find you guilty of having bad bangs. 343 00:12:53,649 --> 00:12:55,525 You ever notice the ones with bad bangs 344 00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:57,235 always have three names? 345 00:12:57,319 --> 00:13:00,572 You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! 346 00:13:00,656 --> 00:13:01,740 [All gasp] 347 00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:03,951 Pfft! This is gonna be cake. 348 00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:05,118 No! Jackie! 349 00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:06,787 Rick and summer of earth, 350 00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,956 for the crimes of treason against womankind 351 00:13:09,039 --> 00:13:12,376 and for creating the sound of which we do not speak 352 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,962 because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to... 353 00:13:15,045 --> 00:13:17,047 What, what, what... A night on the couch? 354 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,840 - Death. - Ooh, gerp. 355 00:13:18,924 --> 00:13:20,717 I hate you so much right now. 356 00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:22,719 This will be the first instance 357 00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:24,721 of capital punishment in our society 358 00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:27,391 in 500 years due to our awesomeness, 359 00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,434 so we are forced to improvise. 360 00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:32,479 We placed a large Boulder on that ledge. 361 00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:35,107 Holy shit! Y—y-you're gonna crush us with a Boulder?! 362 00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:37,109 No! Stop interrupting! 363 00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:38,902 The Boulder falls onto a lever 364 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,904 that will launch... knives. 365 00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,072 What? 366 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,907 Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. 367 00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:45,575 Stop interrupting! 368 00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:47,494 The knives will... 369 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,871 Fine! You were right the first time, okay? 370 00:13:49,955 --> 00:13:51,498 The Boulder crushes you. 371 00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:53,541 I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? 372 00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,502 No, just ignore them. Ignore them. 373 00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,170 Such an asshole. 374 00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:59,006 Rick: Look, I'm sorry, summer. 375 00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:00,809 I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. 376 00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:02,735 I wish I could have been a better grandpa to you, 377 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,344 and, you know, for what it's worth, 378 00:14:04,428 --> 00:14:06,406 that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. 379 00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:08,181 Top. My top! 380 00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:11,184 My top —- the same top you complimented earlier! 381 00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:14,521 Look —- look at the tag. Read it. 382 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:17,315 It says, "Marc Jacobs." 383 00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:20,444 Marc? Jacob? These are names of the penis. 384 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,572 Yes. An earth man made this top. 385 00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:25,365 Maybe on your planet, 386 00:14:25,449 --> 00:14:27,993 separation of the genders is the right thing to do, 387 00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,995 but on earth, a certain percentage of our males 388 00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,580 are born gay, 389 00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:35,125 which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. 390 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,728 [Gasdsi a man made something fashionable? 391 00:14:36,752 --> 00:14:39,671 It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, 392 00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:41,381 but it must be accepted. 393 00:14:41,465 --> 00:14:43,383 Like if I told you that you're using 394 00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:45,218 the wrong color foundation for your skin 395 00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:47,054 and it ends at your neck, 396 00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:48,805 making you look like a party clown. 397 00:14:48,889 --> 00:14:51,099 Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains... 398 00:14:51,183 --> 00:14:53,977 If you impose gazorpazorp's laws on earth, 399 00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:55,604 you're no better than the men 400 00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:57,939 whose farts shall remain unspoken. 401 00:14:58,023 --> 00:14:59,941 And if you think my top is cute, 402 00:15:00,025 --> 00:15:01,943 you cannot execute. 403 00:15:02,027 --> 00:15:03,487 [All gasp] 404 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,906 Very well. Give the earth people a spacecraft 405 00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,908 so they may head back to their weird planet, 406 00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:11,036 where women are kind of equal but not really. 407 00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:13,038 Good job, summer, and thanks, girls. 408 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,807 You know, you girls are really [Burps] something, 409 00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,333 I'll tell you that. 410 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,061 You know [burps] when we first go there, I was like —- 411 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,628 give them a ship now. 412 00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:23,006 [Inhales deeply] Morty Jr.! Smoking?! 413 00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:24,508 That is not okay! 414 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,860 What are you gonna do -— Ground me? 415 00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:27,094 I can't go outside anyway! 416 00:15:27,177 --> 00:15:29,846 So what?! You could do things inside! 417 00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:32,099 You could play guitar. You could masturbate. 418 00:15:32,182 --> 00:15:34,643 I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! 419 00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:37,312 Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... 420 00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:39,457 Is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, morty Jr.?! 421 00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:41,066 Love —- that's all you care about! 422 00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:42,526 What about weapons?! 423 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,402 What about domination of the enemy?! 424 00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,366 All right, that's it —- no more history channel! 425 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,698 This TV is for cartoons and video games only! 426 00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:51,743 I hate video games! You take that back! 427 00:15:51,827 --> 00:15:53,453 Give it to me! 428 00:15:53,537 --> 00:15:55,455 Ugh! 429 00:15:55,539 --> 00:15:57,457 I-I—I didn't mean -— I didn't mean that. 430 00:15:57,541 --> 00:15:59,126 I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. 431 00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:01,628 I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... 432 00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:03,630 Than live another minute with you! 433 00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,966 No! No, no, no! Stop! 434 00:16:06,049 --> 00:16:09,427 [Breathing deeply] 435 00:16:11,096 --> 00:16:12,472 My life has been a lie! 436 00:16:12,556 --> 00:16:14,558 God is dead! The government's lame! 437 00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,560 Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! 438 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,395 Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! 439 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,081 They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! 440 00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:22,023 - Oh, dad! - Yes, morty? 441 00:16:22,107 --> 00:16:24,025 My son is gonna take over the planet, 442 00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:25,569 and I am too young to drive! 443 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:26,852 Can you help me get him back?! 444 00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:28,029 [ Clears throat] 445 00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:30,824 I suppose, morty. Isuppose. 446 00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:34,828 But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass 447 00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:37,998 of "I told you so." 448 00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:41,168 [Guiping] 449 00:16:41,251 --> 00:16:43,587 Oh, my god! Please, dad! Come on! 450 00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,589 [Dog barking in distance] 451 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:52,762 J” runnin' wild, runnin' hot, 452 00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:54,848 burnin' inside j” 453 00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:58,059 j” with the youth in the blood and the age and the heat 454 00:16:58,143 --> 00:17:01,188 and the fire in your pants, open wide j” 455 00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:03,815 j” you're gonna run from the damn cold, 456 00:17:03,899 --> 00:17:07,444 but you can't run from your youth j” 457 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:10,572 [roaring ] 458 00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:17,245 [Tires screech ] 459 00:17:17,329 --> 00:17:20,081 [ People screaming ] 460 00:17:20,165 --> 00:17:23,376 [Tires screech ] 461 00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:26,379 [Screaming continues] 462 00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:31,885 Dad, there he is! 463 00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:33,178 [ Roars ] 464 00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:34,679 Oh, god. Hey, stop that! 465 00:17:34,763 --> 00:17:36,056 [ Horn honks] 466 00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:37,682 Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad! 467 00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:38,683 [ Roars ] 468 00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:41,895 Morty Jr., no! It's me! It's dad. 469 00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:44,064 It's okay! 470 00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:46,024 Put the car down, morty Jr. 471 00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:48,109 No! No! J” wh-where's your hands? J” 472 00:17:48,193 --> 00:17:51,696 j” where's your hands? J” 473 00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,114 my car! 474 00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:57,118 J” and that's how we play handy hands j” 475 00:17:57,202 --> 00:17:58,787 out of the... out of the way, morty! 476 00:17:58,870 --> 00:17:59,871 - No! - Morty! 477 00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,665 That's one of the most violently aggressive 478 00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:02,767 creatures in the universe! 479 00:18:02,791 --> 00:18:04,459 - Ow! - He's my son! 480 00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:08,338 And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick! 481 00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:12,926 [ Growls ] 482 00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:15,595 Dad, I'm so confused! 483 00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:18,306 I know, morty Jr. I'm sorry. 484 00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:20,100 I ended up lying to you and yelling at you 485 00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:22,143 just like my parents did to me. 486 00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:24,562 You know, parents are just kids having kids. 487 00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:27,232 One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. 488 00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,401 The next minute, you're in a fist fight 489 00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:31,319 with your alien son. 490 00:18:31,403 --> 00:18:32,821 I'm an alien? 491 00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,823 We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. 492 00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,616 We just have to learn to channel them 493 00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:38,326 into something constructive. 494 00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:40,912 But I want to murder everyone I see. 495 00:18:40,996 --> 00:18:42,807 Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there 496 00:18:42,831 --> 00:18:44,416 for people that feel that way. 497 00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,917 Man: Actually, there is. 498 00:18:46,001 --> 00:18:47,877 Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of 499 00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:50,088 the nationally syndicated comic strip "marmaduke." 500 00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:52,090 You should consider being a creative. 501 00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:53,800 I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts 502 00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,552 of mutilation and sexual assault 503 00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,387 on a near daily basis. 504 00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,973 But, you know, I channel it all into my work. 505 00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,683 - Oh. Wow. - Huh. 506 00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:03,828 I never got that impression from reading "marmaduke." 507 00:19:03,852 --> 00:19:05,312 Well, did you get the impression 508 00:19:05,395 --> 00:19:07,522 I was trying to make youlaugh? 509 00:19:08,565 --> 00:19:10,900 Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson. 510 00:19:10,984 --> 00:19:13,111 Aw, see? You hear that, morty Jr.? 511 00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:15,322 Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind. 512 00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:17,365 Maybe! I always have sort of wanted 513 00:19:17,449 --> 00:19:19,659 to see my face on the back of a novel. 514 00:19:19,743 --> 00:19:22,662 I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats, 515 00:19:22,746 --> 00:19:23,830 but beyond that... 516 00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:26,124 I know you can do it, son. 517 00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:28,543 I think it's time I get a place of my own. 518 00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:31,379 I promise I'll call you every day I need money 519 00:19:31,463 --> 00:19:33,590 or a place to do laundry. 520 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:34,758 [Growling affectionately] 521 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:37,635 Aaaaaaah! 522 00:19:37,719 --> 00:19:39,846 [Whooshl thud! ] 523 00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:43,350 So, I assume this novel your son writes 524 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:46,811 is gonna pay for my rear axle? 525 00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:48,521 Isn't it interesting, summer, 526 00:19:48,605 --> 00:19:50,523 that after all that stuff we just did, 527 00:19:50,607 --> 00:19:52,668 nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? 528 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,652 Kind of makes you wonder, huh... about nothing? 529 00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:57,072 Are you sure it doesn't make you re—evaluate 530 00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:59,324 your policy about taking girls on adventures? 531 00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:01,451 No. I'd say, given what we've been through, 532 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:02,952 that I was right the whole time 533 00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:04,954 and any epiphanies about gender politics were 534 00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:06,831 a projection of your feminine insecurity. 535 00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:09,376 But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? 536 00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:11,461 Go ride around and have a jolly old time. 537 00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,671 - Maybe that'll shut you up. - Dad? Summer? 538 00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:15,298 Where were you guys this whole time? 539 00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:16,883 On gazorpazorp. Where were you? 540 00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,510 I was reading a newspaper. 541 00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:20,970 Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. 542 00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:23,348 I-I—I heard about a little bit of news myself. 543 00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:25,475 Take a look. T-Take a listen. 544 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,394 [Farting ] 545 00:20:27,477 --> 00:20:29,604 [ Both laugh ] 546 00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:30,730 Wubba-iubba—dub—dubs! 547 00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:32,482 This [burps] this world [burps] 548 00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,651 Still got a... It's still got a chance! 549 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,319 Yeah! Ha ha! 550 00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:37,946 See you —- see you guys next week! 551 00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:39,489 See everybody next week. 552 00:21:09,644 --> 00:21:10,812 Mortimer Smith, Jr., 553 00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:12,439 New York times bestselling author, 554 00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:14,500 your book is about innocence, the definition of it, 555 00:21:14,524 --> 00:21:16,443 and, inevitably, its impossibility. 556 00:21:16,526 --> 00:21:18,278 Is it autobiographical? 557 00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:19,529 Certainly. 558 00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:22,449 I mean, all writing is, in my opinion. 559 00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:25,410 But my, uh —- [ Clears throat] 560 00:21:25,493 --> 00:21:28,163 My father kept me locked in the house 561 00:21:28,246 --> 00:21:30,665 until I was a teenager. 562 00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,459 And there was violence 563 00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:35,587 and, uh, threats of poison gas -... 564 00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,338 But also dancing. 565 00:21:37,422 --> 00:21:39,466 But you persevered and created this masterpiece 566 00:21:39,549 --> 00:21:40,842 from your suffering. 567 00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:43,511 Smith Jr.'s mind-bending novel, "my horrible father," 568 00:21:43,595 --> 00:21:45,472 in every store and on everyone's mind. 569 00:21:45,555 --> 00:21:47,265 Pick it up. We'll be right back. 570 00:21:47,348 --> 00:21:48,850 It's a thankless job, morty. 571 00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:50,018 You did the best you could. 572 00:21:50,101 --> 00:21:52,520 I hope he's eating enough. 573 00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:55,482 Did you get any of that? 574 00:21:55,565 --> 00:21:57,567 It's a good-a show!