1 00:00:04,422 --> 00:00:06,340 Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. 2 00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:08,593 You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. 3 00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,261 - Whoa! - Ooh, watch out for that stuff. 4 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:11,929 It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, 5 00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:13,598 and it'll send you into a murderous rage 6 00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:15,266 if it gets in your eyes or mouth. 7 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:16,934 Why would you keep mutant bacteria 8 00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:18,603 in a pint of cherry Garcia? 9 00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,164 I know this isn't the time, but, you know, 10 00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:21,582 technically, the second freezer drawer is mine. 11 00:00:21,606 --> 00:00:22,916 - Not anymore. - You're overreacting! 12 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,293 - We're losing him. - All right, fine. 13 00:00:24,317 --> 00:00:25,586 But you're not touching my crisper. 14 00:00:25,610 --> 00:00:27,195 - Is he going to die? - Don't worry. 15 00:00:27,278 --> 00:00:29,280 Dr. Glip glop is the best in the galaxy. 16 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,199 Hello, I'm Dr. Glip glop. 17 00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:33,993 Oh, my god! Oh, my god! 18 00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:35,369 Aah! 19 00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,914 What? 20 00:00:37,997 --> 00:00:40,350 Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the galaxy. 21 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,084 It's like those pizza places 22 00:00:42,168 --> 00:00:43,896 that claim to have the best pizza in the world. 23 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:45,606 What do you think, they have pizza contests? 24 00:00:45,630 --> 00:00:47,110 Have you ever been to a pizza contest? 25 00:00:47,173 --> 00:00:48,841 - Go in the waiting room, dad. - Fine! 26 00:00:48,925 --> 00:00:50,968 Excuse me. 27 00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,553 Coming through. What are you here for? 28 00:00:52,637 --> 00:00:53,655 Just kidding. I don't care. 29 00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:54,680 N“ 30 00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:57,308 Well, this won't do. 31 00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,685 - Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. 32 00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:02,188 - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. 33 00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:04,398 We pretty much nailed it the first time. 34 00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:06,692 J” bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor j“ 35 00:01:06,943 --> 00:01:08,861 j” freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore j” 36 00:01:08,945 --> 00:01:11,489 j” bounce that ass drop it down to the floor j” 37 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,217 j” shake that shit 'til you can't no more j” 38 00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:14,492 j” biatch! J” 39 00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,833 00/7! 00/7! 40 00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,502 Ow! 41 00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,672 ”Man vs. Car, ” the ne west hit show, 42 00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:31,050 - where it pits a man... - Yeah! 43 00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:32,593 Versus a car. 44 00:01:32,677 --> 00:01:34,428 On tonight's episode, 45 00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,514 Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. 46 00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,432 Here we go. 47 00:01:38,516 --> 00:01:40,268 Oh, he's pushing his way through. 48 00:01:40,351 --> 00:01:41,602 He's trying to fight that car, 49 00:01:41,686 --> 00:01:43,354 but the car seems to have the upper hand. 50 00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,982 Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. 51 00:01:46,065 --> 00:01:48,317 Oh, no. He just got ran over... 52 00:01:48,401 --> 00:01:50,444 And chewed up by the tires. 53 00:01:50,528 --> 00:01:53,447 I guess that's another one for the cars. 54 00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:57,326 I mean, wouldn't the cars always win? 55 00:01:57,410 --> 00:01:58,786 N” 56 00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:02,373 Samantha, I need to know that you understand 57 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:05,626 that I have a couple of eyeholes. 58 00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:07,628 I do. I do understand about your eyeholes. 59 00:02:07,712 --> 00:02:10,298 Here, look at my eyeholes. 60 00:02:10,381 --> 00:02:14,302 Oh, my god. You have eight eye ho—- holes. 61 00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,722 Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes. 62 00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:19,724 Yes, look through my eyeholes. 63 00:02:26,022 --> 00:02:28,024 I'm the e yeho/e... man. 64 00:02:28,107 --> 00:02:32,445 I'm the only one that's allowed to have e yeho/es. 65 00:02:32,528 --> 00:02:35,906 Get up on out of here with my e yeho/es. 66 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,908 A nnouncer: E yeho/es. Get them today. 67 00:02:37,992 --> 00:02:39,618 Rick: You gotta be careful, morty. 68 00:02:39,702 --> 00:02:41,513 If that guy catches you with a box of his eyeholes, 69 00:02:41,537 --> 00:02:43,122 he comes bursting in through a window 70 00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:44,925 and just starts kicking the shit out of you. 71 00:02:45,041 --> 00:02:46,459 But it's worth the risk. 72 00:02:46,542 --> 00:02:48,186 They melt in your mouth, morty. They're delicious. 73 00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:50,105 Dad, I can't believe you're explaining alien cereal. 74 00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:52,566 - We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late, 75 00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:54,383 or, you know, however old he is. 76 00:02:54,467 --> 00:02:55,968 Is he —- is he 50? 77 00:02:56,052 --> 00:02:57,845 Jesus Christ, Beth, is -— is Jerry 50? 78 00:02:58,095 --> 00:03:00,473 Where am I? 79 00:03:00,556 --> 00:03:03,851 Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital. 80 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,686 I mean, to you, it's an alien hospital. 81 00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:07,355 To me, you're just in a hospital. 82 00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:08,749 There's another matter we need to discuss with you. 83 00:03:08,773 --> 00:03:09,774 Okay. 84 00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:11,609 An hour ago, shrimply pibbles, 85 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:14,362 the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, 86 00:03:14,445 --> 00:03:16,739 was brought to this hospital's emergency room, 87 00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:19,075 where he is currently fighting for his life. 88 00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:20,201 My god. 89 00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:24,080 Mr. Smith, shrimply pibbles' life can be saved 90 00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:27,958 if we replace his heart with your human penis. 91 00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:29,502 I see. Wait, what? 92 00:03:29,585 --> 00:03:31,379 It's perfect. 93 00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:32,963 The configuration of veins, 94 00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:35,424 the ratio of thickness to elasticity, 95 00:03:35,508 --> 00:03:37,718 the delicate asymmetry of what you call your balls, 96 00:03:37,802 --> 00:03:40,596 and with relatively few adjustments, 97 00:03:40,679 --> 00:03:43,265 your genitals can be molded into a functioning heart 98 00:03:43,349 --> 00:03:46,143 for the most important man in the universe. 99 00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:48,062 - Yeah, but -— I mean —- - oh, forget it! 100 00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:50,022 I told you this was a waste of time! 101 00:03:50,106 --> 00:03:51,607 Have respect, yarp. 102 00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:53,609 The earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped. 103 00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:55,861 He knows nothing of the genocides of clorgon 104 00:03:56,112 --> 00:04:00,741 or the tragic events of 65.3432.23/14. 105 00:04:00,825 --> 00:04:04,662 Alien: And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them. 106 00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:06,872 I've dwelt among the humans. 107 00:04:07,123 --> 00:04:10,918 Their entire culture is built around their penises. 108 00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:13,045 It's funny to say they are small. 109 00:04:13,129 --> 00:04:15,381 It's funny to say they are big. 110 00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:16,882 I've been at parties 111 00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:21,053 where humans have held bottles, pencils, thermoses 112 00:04:21,137 --> 00:04:23,764 in front of themselves and called out, 113 00:04:23,848 --> 00:04:27,643 "hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-and-so-dick. 114 00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:30,438 I've got such—and—such for a penis." 115 00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:32,940 I never saw it fail to get a laugh. 116 00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,483 All right! That's enough! 117 00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:36,235 You guys are talking about my species. 118 00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:39,238 We understand genocide. We do it sometimes. 119 00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:40,906 Then you would give your penis 120 00:04:41,157 --> 00:04:42,551 so that shrimply pibbles might live? 121 00:04:42,575 --> 00:04:44,493 - Stop asking! - Yes, I will! 122 00:04:44,577 --> 00:04:46,162 That's right, assholes. 123 00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:47,705 Take my penis. Take it all! 124 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,039 And tell shrimply pibbles 125 00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:51,375 that when the galaxy came calling, 126 00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:53,669 Jerry Smith from earth didn't flinch! 127 00:04:57,173 --> 00:04:58,799 Hey, w-what's wrong, morty? 128 00:04:58,883 --> 00:05:00,402 Oh, you're worried about your dad, huh? 129 00:05:00,426 --> 00:05:01,635 Huh? Oh, no, no, no. 130 00:05:01,719 --> 00:05:03,345 I'm just... I'm just looking 131 00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,347 at that lady over there getting coffee. 132 00:05:05,431 --> 00:05:06,640 What's up with her face? 133 00:05:06,724 --> 00:05:09,059 Is she human, or is she like worf? 134 00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:10,478 You know, worf from "Star Trek," 135 00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:12,813 how he has all that shit all over his face, 136 00:05:12,897 --> 00:05:15,065 but he's just a human in a costume, you know? 137 00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:16,789 Morty, uh, let's see what else is on, huh? 138 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,110 Okay. 139 00:05:18,194 --> 00:05:20,112 And now we 're back to ”how did / get here?” 140 00:05:20,196 --> 00:05:22,907 The only show that makes you ask yourse/zf 141 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:24,867 ”how did / get here?” 142 00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:27,912 Here's our first person. 143 00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,997 Oh. Oh, my god. 144 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,916 How did / get here 7 145 00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:33,667 hello? I 146 00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:35,671 how did / get here?/ somebody, help me, please./ 147 00:05:35,711 --> 00:05:37,671 hos 7'.' All right! 148 00:05:37,755 --> 00:05:40,174 Holy crap! Look, it's that lady with the shit on her face 149 00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:42,843 like worf from "Star Trek" that was getting coffee! 150 00:05:42,927 --> 00:05:44,595 How did she get there?! 151 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,430 Oh, my god, morty, how did she get there? 152 00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:48,682 How did she get there? 153 00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:51,519 Is that something we should be concerned about? 154 00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:53,812 Just stay away from the coffee machine. 155 00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:56,357 Li/la n.' Calling all jan Michael Vincents. 156 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,484 Calling all jan Michael Vincents. 157 00:05:58,567 --> 00:05:59,860 Announcer: In a world 158 00:05:59,944 --> 00:06:01,624 where there's eight jan Michael Vincents... 159 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,697 Man: We need one jan Michael Vincent 160 00:06:03,781 --> 00:06:04,782 to quadrant "c." 161 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,145 We need two jan Michael Vincents 162 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,493 to quadrant "e." 163 00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:09,411 And 76 ouadrants, 164 00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:11,997 there's only enough time for a jan Michael Vincent 165 00:06:12,248 --> 00:06:13,749 to make it to a quadrant. 166 00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:16,335 He can't be at two quadrants at once. 167 00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:18,712 Hey, Rick, who... Who is jan Michael Vincent? 168 00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:20,714 Oh, man, I'm trying to remember, morty. 169 00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:23,717 Jan Michael Vincents are used up. 170 00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:27,137 I need a goddamn jan Michael Vincent. 171 00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:30,266 Is it important that we know who jan Michael Vincent was... 172 00:06:30,349 --> 00:06:31,809 - In order to get this? - Nope. 173 00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:34,687 I refuse to send the legislation that allows more 174 00:06:34,770 --> 00:06:38,065 than eight jan Michael Vincents to a precinct. 175 00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,234 This jan-uary, 176 00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:43,612 it's time to Michael down your Vincents. 177 00:06:43,696 --> 00:06:47,366 ”Jan quadrant Vincent 76'. ” 178 00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:48,534 - Whoa! - Whoa! 179 00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:49,910 That's jan Michaels. 180 00:06:49,994 --> 00:06:51,754 Excuse me, nurse, can you take my temperature 181 00:06:51,787 --> 00:06:53,205 because I think I have 182 00:06:53,289 --> 00:06:55,749 jan quadrant Vincent fever over here. 183 00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:57,918 All right, morty! You've done it. 184 00:06:58,002 --> 00:07:00,421 So, we'll be detaching your sexual organ at the base 185 00:07:00,504 --> 00:07:03,340 by making incisions here, here, and here. 186 00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:04,466 Got it. 187 00:07:04,550 --> 00:07:06,260 Leaving a partial length of severed urethra 188 00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:08,178 to be threaded through -... 189 00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:11,015 Oh, you know what, I gotta —- I gotta laugh at myself here. 190 00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,808 I'm having a little laugh at myself 191 00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,602 because I just realized I haven't run 192 00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:16,228 this whole decision past my wife. 193 00:07:16,312 --> 00:07:18,439 Oh. Do you think she'll be okay with this? 194 00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:19,773 Oh, absolutely. 195 00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:21,775 Beth's automatically on board always 196 00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:23,902 with every decision I make. 197 00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:25,404 Hey, I'm stea/y. 198 00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:28,073 Follow me on my adventure through this office. 199 00:07:28,324 --> 00:07:29,325 N” 200 00:07:30,284 --> 00:07:31,910 All right, here we go. 201 00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:33,787 We're gonna just steal a couple of things. 202 00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:35,205 Excuse me. Can I help you? 203 00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:37,333 Starting with common office objects. 204 00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:38,917 Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff! 205 00:07:39,001 --> 00:07:40,544 Such as staplers and pins 206 00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:42,546 and all sorts of things like... Such as that. 207 00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:44,298 That's it. I'm calling security. 208 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:46,133 No! 209 00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:49,386 N” 210 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,599 All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room 211 00:07:53,682 --> 00:07:55,976 where none of the people whose stuff I stole 212 00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:57,311 can get to us. 213 00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:59,396 Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. 214 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,982 We got a bag of bobbish. 215 00:08:02,066 --> 00:08:04,568 That's eight brapples. 216 00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,320 We got a plumbus. 217 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,906 That's 6 1/2 brapples. 218 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:12,159 We got, uh, a... Crushed red party cups. 219 00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:14,370 15 1/2 brapples. 220 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,998 Welcome back to "funny songs." 221 00:08:18,082 --> 00:08:19,875 It's all improvised. It's very funny. 222 00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:22,169 I need a volunteer from the audience. 223 00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:24,338 Um, longtime fan of the show. Uh... 224 00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:26,840 What do you do? What's your profession? 225 00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:28,967 I am a tax attorney. 226 00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:31,512 Okay, here we go. Hit... hit the music. 227 00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:32,846 N” 228 00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:35,099 J” I'm a tax attorney j” 229 00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:36,767 j” oh, geez, oh j” 230 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,769 j” forget about everybody else j” 231 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,646 j” forget about Jesus Christ j” 232 00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:42,272 j” forget about Muhammad j” 233 00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:46,026 j” forget about, uh... All those religions j” 234 00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:48,862 j” ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba-bop j” 235 00:08:48,946 --> 00:08:50,155 the end. 236 00:08:50,406 --> 00:08:52,032 Oh, my god. Oh, that was so, so funny. 237 00:08:52,116 --> 00:08:53,617 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 238 00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,327 Hey, um, security guards, take him out. 239 00:08:55,411 --> 00:08:56,954 - Get him out of here. - What? 240 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,372 Get the orthodontist out of here. 241 00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:00,040 No! Why? 242 00:09:00,124 --> 00:09:03,377 Take him out of the audience. Kill him. Sic him. 243 00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:04,712 Demons... 244 00:09:04,795 --> 00:09:06,714 Suck his life out. I don't give a shit. 245 00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:08,841 - Smith family? - Yes? 246 00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:11,885 I wanted to let you all know that Jerry is doing just fine. 247 00:09:11,969 --> 00:09:13,887 - Yay! Called it! - Whoo-hoo! That's good news! 248 00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:16,473 But, uh, Mrs. Smith, could you come with me? 249 00:09:18,142 --> 00:09:20,436 Hi, honey, 80, here's the thing... 250 00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:22,146 These guys... They want to completely 251 00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,898 remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart. 252 00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:27,067 And we just need you to sign off on it. 253 00:09:27,151 --> 00:09:28,652 - — What?! - Uh-oh. 254 00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:31,864 Maybe we got a problem here after all, guys. Yikes. 255 00:09:31,947 --> 00:09:34,700 His penis will be replaced with a sophisticated prosthetic. 256 00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:37,119 Now, there's a wide range of options to choose from. 257 00:09:37,202 --> 00:09:38,829 They're all in this catalogue. 258 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:41,081 I don't care about prosthetics. This is insane. 259 00:09:41,165 --> 00:09:43,000 What do you people think you're doing? 260 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,002 I understand your feelings, Mrs. Smith. 261 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,336 Oh, I don't think you do. 262 00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,338 I bring my husband in for emergency treatment. 263 00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:50,007 He's gone an hour. 264 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,634 And now you want his penis, and you hand me some... catalog. 265 00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:54,678 It's... it's... It's... it's... I mean... 266 00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,680 Sheesh. Well, there you go. Sorry. 267 00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,932 I know it's hard to understand, 268 00:09:59,016 --> 00:10:01,810 but on earth, love comes first. 269 00:10:01,894 --> 00:10:03,937 There are those that believe, Mr. Smith, 270 00:10:04,021 --> 00:10:06,774 that shrimply pibbles represents love between all life. 271 00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:08,817 His fate will determine 272 00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:11,653 the fate of hundreds of billions of sentient life—forms. 273 00:10:11,737 --> 00:10:15,032 Whoa! Whoa. So, billions of life-forms? 274 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,825 Hundreds of billions. 275 00:10:16,909 --> 00:10:19,787 I mean, Jerry, y-you didn't explain 276 00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:22,539 the full gravity of the situation. 277 00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:24,374 Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision 278 00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:26,210 should be based on politics. 279 00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:28,212 Who could argue with a wife's decision 280 00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,214 to keep her lover intact? 281 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,883 Well, I don't think that's fair at all, Jerry. At all. 282 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,886 In fact, the whole paradigm has sexist overtones. 283 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,971 Beth, can we talk about this privately? 284 00:10:38,055 --> 00:10:39,973 You know, I think the bottom line is, Jerry, 285 00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:43,143 if you want to keep your penis, you should say, out loud, 286 00:10:43,227 --> 00:10:45,145 "I prefer to keep my penis." 287 00:10:45,229 --> 00:10:47,981 But, Beth, what kind of man would say something like that 288 00:10:48,065 --> 00:10:50,317 if the universe needed his penis?! 289 00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:52,319 Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be 290 00:10:52,569 --> 00:10:55,489 if I did anything to stand in your way? 291 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,162 Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? 292 00:11:02,246 --> 00:11:03,872 Then why don't you come to lil' bits... 293 00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:05,249 Ma n.' Li!' Bits! 294 00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:07,000 Where the food is tiny. 295 00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:08,804 It looks like regular food, but really tiny. 296 00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:10,396 You can put it in your mouth and eat it. 297 00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:11,856 Nothing gets stuck in your lips. 298 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:13,715 It's just tiny and tiny and fits right —- 299 00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:15,717 - fits right in. - Lil' bits! 300 00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:19,721 We got tiny lasagne, tiny pizza, tiny pie. 301 00:11:19,805 --> 00:11:23,016 Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. 302 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,561 Oh, shit. We got tiny people. 303 00:11:25,644 --> 00:11:26,687 I I/' bits! 304 00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:28,146 You hungry? Come on down. 305 00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:29,731 I I/' bits. 306 00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:32,359 Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. 307 00:11:32,609 --> 00:11:34,069 Just kidding. 308 00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:36,196 You've got some time to kill before the procedure, 309 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,699 so I assume you'd like to, uh, 310 00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:40,242 use your penis one last time. 311 00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:41,702 Here's my computer. 312 00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:43,579 It's got the alien Internet on it. 313 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,582 Here's some porn. 314 00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:47,833 And there's an alien towel. 315 00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,459 I actually got that on another planet. 316 00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,044 So it is an alien towel to me. 317 00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,963 - Good luck. - Thanks. 318 00:12:02,014 --> 00:12:04,224 What is this? 319 00:12:04,308 --> 00:12:05,225 Hmm. 320 00:12:05,309 --> 00:12:07,394 Hey, wait a minute. 321 00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:08,562 Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? 322 00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,188 Uh, yeah, just masturbating! 323 00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:11,982 I forgot to mention, 324 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,401 there are extensive medical records open on my desktop, 325 00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,945 and I trust you to confine your activities... 326 00:12:17,029 --> 00:12:19,239 - To the purely pornographic. - Absolutely! 327 00:12:19,323 --> 00:12:20,782 Good luck. 328 00:12:23,035 --> 00:12:24,870 My god! 329 00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:27,789 Mr. Pibbles, you just wrote my penis 330 00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:31,168 a one-way ticket to staying on my body town. 331 00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:34,963 Announcer: It's the opposite news with Michael Thompson. 332 00:12:35,047 --> 00:12:37,090 Hey, everybody. It's me, Michael Thompson. 333 00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:39,968 Today the pope didn't get killed. 334 00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:43,138 He is perfectly fine. And he's on vacation in Aruba. 335 00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:45,140 In other opposite news, information... 336 00:12:45,223 --> 00:12:46,975 Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? 337 00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:48,977 W-Why is his body, like, sloping off 338 00:12:49,061 --> 00:12:50,979 to the right side of the screen like that? 339 00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:52,863 I don't know, morty. See what else is on, huh? 340 00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:54,816 Hey, welcome to ”cooking things. ” 341 00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,193 I'm pichae/ Thompson. 342 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,653 Hey, wait a minute, Rick. 343 00:12:57,736 --> 00:12:59,130 This guy's body is, like, sloping down 344 00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:00,656 and leaning off to screen left. 345 00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:02,199 Oh, my god, and his name's pichael. 346 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,867 I'm cooking a little bit of this. 347 00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:05,661 I'm gonna cook a little bit of that. 348 00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:08,121 Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! 349 00:13:08,205 --> 00:13:09,539 Oh, my god! Siamese twins! 350 00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,249 They're —- they're siamese twins! 351 00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:13,460 You quit tugging. I-I'm in the middle of m y news. 352 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,379 Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it? 353 00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:17,547 Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? 354 00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:20,008 He's got his own news show. He is got a normal name. 355 00:13:20,092 --> 00:13:22,028 - Hey, flip back to the news. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 356 00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:24,030 You could tell our parents started with naming with him. 357 00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:26,848 It's like, ”oh, Michael. ” they had that one planned... 358 00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,558 Before they even got pregnant, lbet. 359 00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,102 I don't want to be that girl, 360 00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:31,663 but maybe there would be less conflict 361 00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:33,206 if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. 362 00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:34,350 Oh, summer, you have no idea 363 00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,998 how much money that must save production. 364 00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:37,818 And then they found out I was attached, 365 00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,629 along for the ride, and they said, ”ah, shit. 366 00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:41,446 Well, just fuck it, call him pichael. ” 367 00:13:41,697 --> 00:13:43,865 Fuck you, pichael. You're a fucking piece of shit. 368 00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:45,283 N” 369 00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:47,995 Good afternoon. 370 00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:49,705 I know all of you are wondering 371 00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:52,332 about the condition of our dear, beloved pibbles. 372 00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:55,919 Which would you prefer between the xp-20 and the xp-20 xs? 373 00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:58,422 I prefer my own penis, and so should you! 374 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,882 The brave earth man whose sacrifice 375 00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:03,719 is going to allow shrimply pibbles to live... 376 00:14:03,802 --> 00:14:04,845 Mr. Jerry Smith. 377 00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:07,848 Hello, everyone! 378 00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:10,183 Let's hear it again for shrimply pibbles, huh? 379 00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:11,935 He's a good guy, isn't he? 380 00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:15,063 I've only just been learning about his accomplishments, 381 00:14:15,147 --> 00:14:17,274 from his march on flirk blirk square 382 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:20,068 to his ongoing battle with heroin dependency. 383 00:14:20,152 --> 00:14:21,152 He's the best. 384 00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:26,366 Um, yeah. 385 00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:29,244 Well, i-it occurs to me that his heroin addiction 386 00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:31,913 may not have been a matter of public record. 387 00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:35,250 You realize heroin makes up 10% of the atmosphere 388 00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,878 on shrimply pibbles' home planet. 389 00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:40,213 His planet was destroyed by clorgon death squads. 390 00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:42,924 He can't live outside of it without breathing heroin. 391 00:14:43,008 --> 00:14:45,385 Right. I know that. I just think... 392 00:14:45,469 --> 00:14:49,181 This guy's trying to get out of giving away his penis! 393 00:14:54,186 --> 00:14:55,746 Na rra Tor: Today on ”how they do it”... 394 00:14:55,771 --> 00:14:57,189 Plumbuses. 395 00:14:57,272 --> 00:14:59,483 Everyone has a plumbus in their home. 396 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,320 First, they take the dinglebop, 397 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:07,115 and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. 398 00:15:07,199 --> 00:15:11,953 The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. 399 00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,163 They take the dinglebop, 400 00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:15,165 and they push it through the grumbo, 401 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,250 where the fleeb is rubbed against it. 402 00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:19,336 It's important that the fleeb is rubbed 403 00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:22,506 because the fleeb has all of the fleeb juice. 404 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:24,966 Then a schlami shows up, 405 00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:27,677 and he rubs it and spits on it. 406 00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,221 They cut the fleeb. 407 00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:31,932 There's several hizards in the way. 408 00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:35,018 The blamfs rub against the chumbles. 409 00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:38,522 And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. 410 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:42,275 That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. 411 00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:45,362 I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made. 412 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:49,116 Hey, welcome back to ”personal space. ” 413 00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:50,992 I 777 your host phi/I/p Jacobs, 414 00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:54,329 and let me tell you, I care about my personal space. 415 00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:57,290 Whoa, whoa. Hey. I/vho's around me right now? 416 00:15:57,374 --> 00:15:59,251 Who's around me? 417 00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:02,462 Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up 418 00:16:02,546 --> 00:16:05,590 and lets get some stepped-up personal space 419 00:16:05,841 --> 00:16:07,008 up in this place. 420 00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:08,135 Here we go. 421 00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:10,387 We get a one, personal space. 422 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,180 Two, personal space. 423 00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:14,307 Three, stay out of m y personal space. 424 00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:17,060 Four, keep away from my personal space. 425 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:19,896 Five... Get out of that personal space. 426 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,314 Six... 427 00:16:21,398 --> 00:16:22,983 Stay a way from my personal space. 428 00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:24,401 Seven... 429 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,844 Keep away from that personal space. 430 00:16:25,902 --> 00:16:28,446 Eight, personal space. 431 00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:31,116 Nine, personal space. 432 00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:34,202 You know, / take personal space pretty seriously, 433 00:16:34,286 --> 00:16:37,205 up to the point that / don't even care about this... 434 00:16:37,289 --> 00:16:39,207 I'm not even interested in having this skin 435 00:16:39,291 --> 00:16:41,585 on my personal space. 436 00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:43,836 Oh, my god! 437 00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,424 Oh, it hurts! 438 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,633 Summer: Gross! 439 00:16:48,884 --> 00:16:50,218 Rick: What an asshole! 440 00:16:50,302 --> 00:16:51,511 Ohh, tune in next week... 441 00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:54,264 To the best show ever, 442 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,057 the show we all grew and love... 443 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,185 ”The personal space show. ” 444 00:16:58,268 --> 00:17:00,246 Announcer: More ”personal space ” next Tuesday at 8:00. 445 00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:01,771 Up next, the heat is turning up 446 00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:04,357 with Samantha and the boys on ”the northsiders. ” 447 00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:25,795 If you could all just stop screaming and chanting 448 00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:28,381 and making whatever that gesture means —- 449 00:17:28,465 --> 00:17:30,175 excuse me. Come on. 450 00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:32,677 Please, everyone, I have news about shrimply pibbles. 451 00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:35,013 Word of Jerry Smith 452 00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:37,015 trying to weasel out of his penis donation 453 00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:39,226 has spread across the galaxy. 454 00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:41,686 Beings everywhere have come together 455 00:17:41,937 --> 00:17:45,106 to offer what little they have to help save shrimply's life. 456 00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:49,152 Enough to pay for a brand-new, state-of—the—art synthetic heart 457 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:52,697 that will be even better than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis. 458 00:17:52,948 --> 00:17:55,242 Wait! That was an option the whole time?! 459 00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,743 You guys suck! 460 00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:59,704 Yeah. We suck. Are you still here? 461 00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,456 Okay, Jerry. Let's head home. 462 00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:03,500 I can't leave now. Everyone hates me. 463 00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,669 Unfortunately, there's no surgical procedure 464 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:08,380 that can fix that. 465 00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:10,840 Or is there? 466 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:13,760 - Scalpel. - Scalpel. 467 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,595 - Nano-doctor. - Nano-doctor. 468 00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:18,265 - Nano-scalpel. - Nano-scalpel. 469 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:19,724 Okay. We're ready. 470 00:18:19,975 --> 00:18:21,309 Not so fast! 471 00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:23,353 Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?! 472 00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:24,646 I'm a good person, 473 00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:27,524 and I demand that you cut off my penis 474 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,026 and put it in that man's chest. 475 00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,236 That's not how it works! 476 00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,071 Well, you're gonna make it work. 477 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:41,371 I'm octopus man! 478 00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:44,749 I'm octopus man! 479 00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:49,504 I'm a marine biologist who was bitten by an octopus. 480 00:18:52,382 --> 00:18:54,301 And now I'm... I help people. 481 00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:56,303 I save people. 482 00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:59,139 I'm a troublesome octopus person. 483 00:18:59,222 --> 00:19:01,474 Uh-oh. I gotta save some trouble 484 00:19:01,558 --> 00:19:05,020 'cause here comes a trouble mite. 485 00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:06,771 Summer: Gross! 486 00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:10,191 Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence? 487 00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:12,044 Well, summer, maybe people that create things aren't 488 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:14,696 concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know? 489 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,590 Maybe the species that communicate with each other 490 00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,325 through the filter of your comfort 491 00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:20,386 are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! 492 00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,210 Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, 493 00:19:22,245 --> 00:19:24,056 and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings 494 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,391 is a one-way ticket to extinction! 495 00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:26,791 Geez, morty. 496 00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:29,270 I take it Cathrine hefflefinger hasn't texted you back yet. 497 00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:30,795 I don't want to talk about it. 498 00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:32,559 - Okay, guys, let's go home. - Where's dad? 499 00:19:32,630 --> 00:19:34,632 Breaking ne ws... Shrimp/y pibbles is being 500 00:19:34,716 --> 00:19:37,135 held hostage by the human known as Jerry Smith. 501 00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:38,928 - Remove my penis! - Summer: 502 00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:40,930 - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine. 503 00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:42,932 It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right? 504 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,685 - Are you sure? - I don't know. 505 00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:48,313 Do it! Do it! Remove my penis! 506 00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:49,939 Sir, put the gun down 507 00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:51,691 and step away from Mr. Pibbles! 508 00:19:51,775 --> 00:19:53,526 - Jerry! - Dad, what are you doing?! 509 00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:55,695 I'm a good person. I'm a good person. 510 00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:57,697 Where did he get a gun? Who gave him a gun? 511 00:19:57,781 --> 00:20:00,200 That's not a gun. That's the xp-20 xs. 512 00:20:00,283 --> 00:20:02,494 Ah! 513 00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:07,957 Oh, my god. 514 00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:09,793 I'm a good person. 515 00:20:16,508 --> 00:20:17,759 No! 516 00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:20,970 Nooooo! 517 00:20:27,185 --> 00:20:28,478 Ma n.' Hey, hows it going? 518 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,397 This is my butthole ice cream parlor. 519 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,899 I got all kinds of ice cream... Peanut butter and jelly... 520 00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:34,442 Vanilla... 521 00:20:34,526 --> 00:20:35,777 Chocolate... 522 00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,529 And every flavor 523 00:20:37,612 --> 00:20:38,863 served out of a butthole... 524 00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:40,740 Just like you're back home. 525 00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:41,825 - Dad! - Dad! 526 00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,993 What happened? Where am I? 527 00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:45,578 Was it all a dream? 528 00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:47,455 No, you were shot like 50 times. 529 00:20:47,539 --> 00:20:49,999 57. Thankfully, you're in a super—sophisticated 530 00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:51,584 alien hospital, 531 00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:53,711 so it was basically like getting a splinter removed. 532 00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:55,880 All... all I wanted was for everyone to like me. 533 00:20:56,131 --> 00:20:57,691 Jerry, remember that time you left a comment 534 00:20:57,715 --> 00:20:59,635 underneath that YouTube video and someone replied 535 00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:01,695 and called you a dumb-ass, so you replied and told them, 536 00:21:01,719 --> 00:21:03,781 "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night 537 00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:05,432 hitting "refresh" on your browser 538 00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:07,201 waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? 539 00:21:07,225 --> 00:21:09,018 I remember it differently. 540 00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:11,563 This is like that. You can't make people like you. 541 00:21:11,646 --> 00:21:13,857 You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. 542 00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:15,066 You know, you're right. 543 00:21:15,150 --> 00:21:16,568 I shouldn't be motivated 544 00:21:16,651 --> 00:21:18,445 by other people's opinions of me. 545 00:21:18,528 --> 00:21:19,768 All right, guys, let's go home. 546 00:21:19,821 --> 00:21:21,141 If it's all the same to you, Rick, 547 00:21:21,197 --> 00:21:22,657 I'd like to go to the zoo... 548 00:21:22,740 --> 00:21:24,325 - With my family. — what?! 549 00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:26,220 - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! 550 00:21:26,244 --> 00:21:27,555 - It's a stupid idea! - What's the matter with you!? 551 00:21:27,579 --> 00:21:29,164 Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry! 552 00:21:29,247 --> 00:21:30,558 Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll go home. 553 00:21:30,582 --> 00:21:31,767 What the hell is he talking about?! 554 00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:34,669 N” 555 00:22:10,788 --> 00:22:12,665 - — Aah! - I'm the eyehole man! 556 00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:14,501 What is going on? Aah! 557 00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:16,961 Give me my e yeho/es! I'm e yeho/e man! 558 00:22:17,045 --> 00:22:18,645 That part of the cupboard is mine, Jerry! 559 00:22:18,713 --> 00:22:20,215 Why do you even have those?! 560 00:22:20,298 --> 00:22:21,609 - Give me my e yeho/es! - Help me, please! 561 00:22:21,633 --> 00:22:23,193 Get up on out of here with my e yeho/es! 562 00:22:24,719 --> 00:22:26,095 Did you get any of that? 563 00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:28,181 It's-a good-a show!