1 00:00:01,836 --> 00:00:04,380 Jerry: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% above the milk. 2 00:00:04,463 --> 00:00:07,133 Jerry, get a job. 3 00:00:07,216 --> 00:00:08,759 Uh, w-why don't you get it, Jerry? 4 00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:11,429 You're the man of the house, and you don't have a job. 5 00:00:13,306 --> 00:00:14,682 Delivery for Rick. 6 00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:16,350 Morning, summer, Beth, and Jerry. 7 00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:19,061 - Gross. What is that thing? - It's a courier flap. 8 00:00:19,145 --> 00:00:20,539 It's like the intergalactic version of ups, 9 00:00:20,563 --> 00:00:22,064 but less off—putting. 10 00:00:22,148 --> 00:00:23,357 Oh, shiiit! 11 00:00:23,441 --> 00:00:25,318 It looks like an egg-vite from birdperson. 12 00:00:25,401 --> 00:00:27,486 Must be time for his annual Oscar party. 13 00:00:27,570 --> 00:00:29,256 And, by the way, our TV signals take light years 14 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:30,448 to reach his planet. 15 00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,366 Nobody tell him that "braveheart" wins. 16 00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:34,368 Greetings. This is birdperson. 17 00:00:34,452 --> 00:00:35,620 And Tammy! 18 00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,496 Inviting you to planet squanch for 19 00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:39,332 - our mate-melding ceremony... - Blugh! 20 00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:40,708 If you're from Ean'n, 21 00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:42,269 that means we 're getting married! 22 00:00:42,293 --> 00:00:44,670 Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's marrying birdperson! 23 00:00:44,921 --> 00:00:46,380 What the hell is a birdperson? 24 00:00:46,464 --> 00:00:47,673 He's Rick's best friend. 25 00:00:47,924 --> 00:00:49,401 Uh, i-let's not get carried away, morty. 26 00:00:49,425 --> 00:00:51,260 Would you like to rsvp or send a gift? 27 00:00:51,344 --> 00:00:53,262 No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. 28 00:00:53,346 --> 00:00:55,324 If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away, 29 00:00:55,348 --> 00:00:57,183 I'd hang out with Jerry all day. 30 00:00:57,266 --> 00:00:58,684 Affirmative! Returning to sender. 31 00:00:58,935 --> 00:01:00,078 No, hold on, stay, courier flaps. 32 00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:01,812 - Staying! - Dad, you have a friend... 33 00:01:01,896 --> 00:01:03,814 That's getting married. That's a big deal. 34 00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:05,691 It's a big deal he has a friend. 35 00:01:05,775 --> 00:01:08,277 What do you know about friendship, Jerry? 36 00:01:08,361 --> 00:01:09,946 Confirmed, shipping Jerry. 37 00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,948 - Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah! - Oh, god! Jerry! 38 00:01:12,031 --> 00:01:13,115 - Dad! - Dad! 39 00:01:13,199 --> 00:01:15,201 Where is it taking him? 40 00:01:15,284 --> 00:01:17,161 I assume planet squanch... 41 00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,121 6,000 light years across the galaxy. 42 00:01:19,205 --> 00:01:20,706 Whoa, t-that's... that's insane! 43 00:01:20,790 --> 00:01:23,584 Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding. 44 00:01:23,668 --> 00:01:26,254 N“ 45 00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:05,960 Rick Sanchez! 46 00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:07,503 You psycho bag ofsquanch! 47 00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:09,005 Hey, what's up, squanchy? 48 00:02:09,088 --> 00:02:10,965 - Hey, squanchy. - Morty, summer! 49 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:12,633 And you must be Beth. 50 00:02:12,717 --> 00:02:14,635 Mwah! Ensquanche! 51 00:02:14,719 --> 00:02:17,430 Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. 52 00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:18,949 Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, 53 00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,433 like the smurf thing? 54 00:02:20,516 --> 00:02:23,477 Beth, squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. 55 00:02:23,561 --> 00:02:26,022 Just say what's in your squanch and people understand. 56 00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:27,398 Oh. Okay. 57 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,942 I squanch my family. 58 00:02:30,026 --> 00:02:31,652 Uh... — what? I do. 59 00:02:31,736 --> 00:02:34,363 - I squanch my family. - Stop saying it. Gross. 60 00:02:34,447 --> 00:02:35,906 Come on in, guys. 61 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,742 The guest are having cocksquanches. 62 00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:43,914 [Gasdsi 63 00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:45,666 - where am I?! - You're at a wedding. 64 00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,418 Go change. 65 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:50,046 J” and I'm an alien with jazz rap style j” 66 00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:52,340 j” jazz rapping for an alien mile j” 67 00:02:52,423 --> 00:02:55,092 j” fat beats and an alien smile j” 68 00:02:55,176 --> 00:02:58,387 j” jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend j” 69 00:02:58,471 --> 00:02:59,990 j” I got a mouthful ofjazz for your ass j” 70 00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:01,474 [crying I 71 00:03:01,557 --> 00:03:02,826 j” and I'm gonna keep jazzing j” 72 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,393 Oh, you made it! 73 00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:06,354 I wouldn't miss it for the world! 74 00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,522 Oh, my god. I love your ring. 75 00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:11,484 Thanks. It was birdperson's grandmother's. 76 00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:13,235 She fought a squirrel for it. 77 00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,528 Birdperson. 78 00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:16,530 Rick, I am pleased you and your family 79 00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:18,407 could witness my melding with Tammy. 80 00:03:18,491 --> 00:03:20,076 Our pleasure. 81 00:03:20,159 --> 00:03:21,595 Yeah, I just hope you got a pre-meld. 82 00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:23,371 - Rick! - What?! It's just a practical 83 00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:25,307 way of making sure that when she's done with you, 84 00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:27,083 you can get one of your balls back. 85 00:03:27,166 --> 00:03:29,085 - Jesus, dad. - He's grumpy from the flight. 86 00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:31,087 Ohh, h was happy on the flight. 87 00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:33,005 I'm grumpy from the landing. 88 00:03:33,089 --> 00:03:35,549 Well, I looked at the guest book. 89 00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:37,802 We don't know a damn person here. 90 00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,970 Hi! Jerry Smith... Father of the bride's friend. 91 00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:42,264 Advertising is my usual game, but I'm between... 92 00:03:42,348 --> 00:03:44,100 Jerry, stop networking. We're in space. 93 00:03:44,183 --> 00:03:45,851 "Jerry, get a job! 94 00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:47,788 Jerry, don't look for a job at an alien wedding!" 95 00:03:47,812 --> 00:03:49,730 - I don't get you. - This is the closest... 96 00:03:49,814 --> 00:03:51,625 I've ever gotten to this part of my father's life. 97 00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:53,442 I don't want to blow it. 98 00:03:53,526 --> 00:03:55,152 Okay, I get it. I'm cramping your style. 99 00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:58,114 You say you get it, but I'm scared you'll keep doing it. 100 00:03:58,197 --> 00:04:00,116 Look, here's some humans you can practice on. 101 00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:02,118 You must be summer's mom and dad. 102 00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:04,081 We're Tammy's parents -— Pat and Donna guterman. 103 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,205 Hi. Beth. This is Jerry. 104 00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:08,999 So your teenage daughter's marrying a birdman. 105 00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,668 Are you guys down with that? 106 00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,336 No pun intended. 107 00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,130 We're quite proud. 108 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,382 He's a wonderful person and an incredible bird. 109 00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:18,259 Still, what is he, 40? 110 00:04:18,342 --> 00:04:19,510 It's just, you know, 111 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,679 when he was 30, she was an actual child. 112 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,514 When he was her age, she wasn't born. 113 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,558 When he was, let's see, like, 18, 114 00:04:25,641 --> 00:04:28,602 she was literally in there in your womb. 115 00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:30,312 Imagine being pregnant with your daughter 116 00:04:30,396 --> 00:04:32,165 and a bird teenager comes into your home and says, 117 00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:34,108 "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that.“ 118 00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:35,776 Give us one second. 119 00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:37,778 Were you born with your feet in your mouth? 120 00:04:37,862 --> 00:04:40,614 I was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. 121 00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:43,117 So take your attitude to the men's section of kmart, 122 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,619 'cause you need to cut me some slack... s. 123 00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:47,121 I want you to stand in the corner 124 00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,724 and face the corner and talk to nobody. 125 00:04:52,126 --> 00:04:54,044 You know, you're not being very supportive 126 00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:55,754 of birdperson on his big day. 127 00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:58,048 Birdperson's big day, morty, 128 00:04:58,132 --> 00:05:01,469 was at blood Ridge on glapflap's third moon 129 00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:03,345 against the gromflamites! 130 00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,681 This? This is a losing battle. 131 00:05:05,764 --> 00:05:07,683 Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. 132 00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:09,226 He's getting married! 133 00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:10,704 I mean, what do you think's gonna happen 134 00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:12,354 if you open yourself up a little bit? 135 00:05:12,438 --> 00:05:13,814 I mean, look around. 136 00:05:13,898 --> 00:05:16,692 This is your family and friends all around you, you know? 137 00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:18,277 Take the day off. 138 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,321 There's nothing to run from, nothing to fight. 139 00:05:20,404 --> 00:05:22,323 That's his last name. 140 00:05:22,406 --> 00:05:23,449 Are you hyphenating it? 141 00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:24,742 Squanch this, mo—fo. 142 00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,287 Good one, morty. Excuse me, bartender. 143 00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:30,289 Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk? 144 00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:33,375 It's one part lame advice about stuff you know nothing about 145 00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:34,835 and a lotof vodka. 146 00:05:34,919 --> 00:05:36,629 Mm-hmm. I have a lot of vodka. 147 00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:37,546 Then I'll take one of those. 148 00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:39,173 I don't need the rest. 149 00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:41,342 God, whatever, Rick. 150 00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,886 It sounds like you and my dad have a long history together. 151 00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:45,554 Wish I could say the same. 152 00:05:45,638 --> 00:05:47,556 The road your father and I walked together 153 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:51,519 is soaked deeply with the blood of both friends and enemies. 154 00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:52,603 Must be nice. 155 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,647 Um, I used to have to draw him 156 00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:56,357 into family photos with a crayon. 157 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,859 The war in which we fought is far from over. 158 00:05:58,943 --> 00:06:00,486 We live our lives in hiding. 159 00:06:00,569 --> 00:06:02,696 I guess I should be happy for you. 160 00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:05,324 I mean, great, you guys got to hang out. 161 00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:06,867 I hope you had a blast. 162 00:06:06,951 --> 00:06:09,453 The galactic government considers us terrorists. 163 00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:11,830 It's unwise of me to share these details, 164 00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,415 but I've become inebriated. 165 00:06:13,499 --> 00:06:14,809 I don't know if you can appreciate 166 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:17,002 what it means to grow up without a father, but —- 167 00:06:17,253 --> 00:06:18,796 the guest list at this wedding 168 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,632 includes 17 of the federation's most wanted. 169 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,634 We have committed numerous atrocities 170 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,302 in the name of freedom. 171 00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:26,679 Annnd during that time, 172 00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:28,490 I don't suppose he ever mentioned his daughter. 173 00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:29,890 Are those baby quiches? 174 00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:31,350 Night crawler pate. 175 00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:33,394 I should prepare for the ceremony. 176 00:06:33,477 --> 00:06:35,437 Like talking to a brick wall. 177 00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:38,899 In the name of the squanch, the six rivers, 178 00:06:38,983 --> 00:06:40,901 the four squanches, and the nine balls, 179 00:06:40,985 --> 00:06:45,281 I unite these two organisms in eternal squanch! 180 00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:47,408 Tammy, you may squanch your vows now. 181 00:06:47,491 --> 00:06:49,910 Birdperson... 182 00:06:49,994 --> 00:06:53,914 You are my seed, my worm, my earliness, 183 00:06:53,998 --> 00:06:55,666 and my lack of cats. 184 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,168 I promise to be yours until your death. 185 00:06:58,252 --> 00:06:59,503 - Nice! - All: Aww! 186 00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:00,963 Birdperson. 187 00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:03,882 Tammy, I was approaching infertility when I met you, 188 00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:05,634 but there is still time. 189 00:07:05,718 --> 00:07:07,344 I am yours until my death. 190 00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:08,846 All: Aww! 191 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,764 Aww. 192 00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:13,809 I now pronounce you squanch and birdperson! 193 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:23,652 J” girl, you got it going on j” 194 00:07:27,323 --> 00:07:29,575 I am not staring at you. 195 00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:32,661 I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural. 196 00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:34,455 This is a candid shot. 197 00:07:34,538 --> 00:07:36,582 I don't require a camera so... 198 00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:38,417 Sorry. 199 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,377 Hi. I am not staring at you... 200 00:07:46,342 --> 00:07:47,843 Uh, hi, everybody. 201 00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,595 I'm rick. 202 00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:54,600 You know, when I first met birdperson, he was, uhh... 203 00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:56,411 Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe 204 00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:57,686 because I'm the smartest. 205 00:07:57,770 --> 00:07:59,490 And being nice is something stupid people do 206 00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:00,898 to hedge their bets. 207 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,358 Now, I haven't been exactly subtle 208 00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:03,776 about how little I trust marriage. 209 00:08:03,859 --> 00:08:05,152 I couldn't make it work, 210 00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:06,838 and I could turn a black hole into a sun, 211 00:08:06,862 --> 00:08:08,822 so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself 212 00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:10,699 what are the odds this is legit 213 00:08:10,783 --> 00:08:12,510 and not just some big lie we're all telling ourselves 214 00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:13,994 because we're afraid to die alone? 215 00:08:14,078 --> 00:08:16,830 Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die... alone. 216 00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:17,914 - Oh, boy. - Oh, dad. 217 00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:18,999 Jesus. 218 00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:21,043 But —- but... here's the thing. 219 00:08:21,126 --> 00:08:23,003 Birdperson is my best friend, 220 00:08:23,087 --> 00:08:25,839 and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. 221 00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:32,388 To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet... 222 00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:34,723 Opening myself up to others. 223 00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:36,266 Summer: Hear, hear! Cheers! 224 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,268 Cheers to that, motherfucker! 225 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:41,021 Thank you, Rick. That was beautiful. 226 00:08:41,105 --> 00:08:44,400 Gosh, I look around this room, and I think, 227 00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,276 "uh, Tammy, you're a high-school senior 228 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,962 from the planet earth, and you're marrying 229 00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:50,572 a 40-year-old birdperson? Like, what?!" 230 00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:52,991 Yeah, Tammy! 231 00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:55,703 But then I think, you know, in a lot of ways, 232 00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:58,706 I'm nota high-school senior from the planet earth. 233 00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:00,958 In a lot of ways, what I really am 234 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,919 is a deep-cover agent for the galactic federation, 235 00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:06,046 and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, 236 00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:09,049 and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded. 237 00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:10,884 Oh, shit. 238 00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:13,363 - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. 239 00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,055 Everyone here is under arrest 240 00:09:15,139 --> 00:09:16,849 for crimes against the federation. 241 00:09:16,932 --> 00:09:17,933 I 'chaim/ 242 00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:21,228 - Tammy, what are you doing? - Sit your bird ass down. 243 00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,313 Tammy? 244 00:09:25,149 --> 00:09:27,735 Birdpersonl! No!! 245 00:09:31,864 --> 00:09:32,948 Holy... 246 00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:43,125 Drop the portal gun. 247 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:45,210 Slide it to the center of the room. 248 00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:50,132 Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. 249 00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:51,675 They'll want it at... 250 00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:15,657 There's no time to squanch! 251 00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:17,576 Get your family out of here! 252 00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:19,536 I got this. 253 00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:27,127 How about a taste of my squanch?! 254 00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:32,424 Come on, this way! 255 00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:34,218 Squanch this! 256 00:10:42,476 --> 00:10:44,478 Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. 257 00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,401 Rick: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! 258 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,524 - — Summer: Dad! - Rick: Hold on tight! 259 00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,486 Aaahl! 260 00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:58,075 Aaaahl! 261 00:11:00,285 --> 00:11:01,954 Goddamn it! Goddamn it!! 262 00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:10,045 What the hell happened back there?! 263 00:11:10,128 --> 00:11:12,840 This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. 264 00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:17,886 Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us 265 00:11:17,970 --> 00:11:20,013 about your relationship 266 00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:23,016 with this previously unknown galactic government? 267 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,185 All the important points seem pretty clear, no? 268 00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:27,437 They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. 269 00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,439 Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. 270 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,650 How could you be so dishonest with this family? 271 00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:33,861 Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting 272 00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,255 and loving like, oh, I don't know, 273 00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:38,031 my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, 274 00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,659 who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? 275 00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:41,910 Hey, Tammy was cool! 276 00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:44,037 - And now we know why. - Because of you! 277 00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:45,956 Fuck you, summer, and fuck the government, 278 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,833 and fuck me for letting my guard down, 279 00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,459 which I will never do again. 280 00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:50,919 Geez, Rick! 281 00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:53,672 You can't say f... "'F' you" to your granddaughter. 282 00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:56,216 I just did, morty. Here's dessert. Fuck you. 283 00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:57,986 Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. 284 00:11:58,010 --> 00:11:59,761 Actually, the wedding was beautiful. 285 00:11:59,845 --> 00:12:01,045 The reception got out of hand. 286 00:12:01,096 --> 00:12:03,223 Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, 287 00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:05,100 and have a family meeting in the morning. 288 00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:07,227 Yeah, about going home, we can't -— ever. 289 00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:08,770 All: What?! 290 00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:10,206 Oh, these guys are looking for us now. 291 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,607 Earth will be swarming with them. 292 00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:12,733 Us?! 293 00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:14,109 - Jerry... - I want to go home! 294 00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:16,337 Look, anyone that wants to go back to earth is free to. 295 00:12:16,361 --> 00:12:18,196 But here's what's gonna happen. 296 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:19,800 Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. 297 00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:21,665 They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent 298 00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:24,202 of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia 299 00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:26,038 and hook them up to an alien car battery 300 00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,623 until you tell them where I am... 301 00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:29,392 Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, 302 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,376 which I guarantee theywon't believe. 303 00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:33,253 So who's homesick? By applause. 304 00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:35,672 Ladies? Anybody? 305 00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:38,508 What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? 306 00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:40,761 Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. 307 00:12:40,844 --> 00:12:42,220 Fuck earth. 308 00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,184 You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? 309 00:12:44,222 --> 00:12:45,724 We'll find a new world. 310 00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:47,160 Computer, how many planets in the milky way 311 00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:49,102 are at least 90% similar to earth? 312 00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:52,731 Female voice: 765 known planets. 313 00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:55,192 How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? 314 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,527 Three. 315 00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:59,738 See? Our cup runneth over. 316 00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:01,031 Now, who wants to go shopping 317 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,200 for a brand—new motherfucking world?! 318 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:04,368 All right! 319 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,286 Rick: Look at this baby! 320 00:13:06,370 --> 00:13:08,080 Would you even know that wasn't earth? 321 00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:09,998 Morty: Yes, because there's no Africa. 322 00:13:10,082 --> 00:13:12,084 Rick: Pssh. White people problems, morty. 323 00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,294 Let's go down and check her out. 324 00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:18,090 Oh. I thought it was further away. 325 00:13:18,173 --> 00:13:20,676 I uh... I guess this one's a little small. 326 00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,135 All right, uh, maybe... 327 00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:24,099 Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? 328 00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:30,268 Okay, this one's bigger. 329 00:13:33,105 --> 00:13:34,314 This looks nice. 330 00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,899 Mom, dad, look! 331 00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,651 Strawberries on a cob! 332 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,862 Whoa! Hey, check this out! 333 00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,614 Flowers on a cob! 334 00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:45,951 Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? 335 00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,244 That's pretty cool. 336 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,830 Are those... mountains on a cob? 337 00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:54,334 Rick: Oh, my god. 338 00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:00,491 - Get in the ship, sweetie. - What? 339 00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:01,800 Get in the goddamn ship!! 340 00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:03,135 Everything's on a cob!! 341 00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:05,762 The whole planet's on a cobl! Go, go, go!! 342 00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:11,059 All right, third time's the charm. 343 00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:12,144 See what we got here. 344 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:16,982 Seems good. 345 00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:18,442 And nothing on the cob. 346 00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,277 Didn't know that was a necessity, but... 347 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,446 No, it's nice. I think this might be it. 348 00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,281 Wow! Hey, look, you guys. 349 00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:26,116 The sun's rising. 350 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,827 Aaaaaaaaaaaaahll 351 00:14:31,163 --> 00:14:33,874 uh, dad, how long are the days on this planet? 352 00:14:33,957 --> 00:14:36,209 Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 353 00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:39,629 42 hours. 354 00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,757 All right, well, those are the two choices, 355 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,675 'cause cob planet is off the table. 356 00:14:43,759 --> 00:14:44,885 Now let's take a vote. 357 00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,553 Man: Well, its official. 358 00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:48,680 The obscure planet known as earth, 359 00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:51,516 formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist 360 00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:53,518 and fugitive Rick Sanchez, 361 00:14:53,769 --> 00:14:56,730 has just become the 6', 048th planet 362 00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:58,398 to join the galactic federation. 363 00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:00,567 The plucky little ball of water and dirt, 364 00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,319 which is where it gets its name, 365 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:06,073 is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives 366 00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:10,118 who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos. 367 00:15:10,202 --> 00:15:12,996 Spaghetti kangaroos 7 we gotta check this place out. 368 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,832 Well, you can. 369 00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:18,085 Contact the ministry of tourism for details. 370 00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:20,253 Up next, teenagers are calling it 371 00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,257 And its not what you think. 372 00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:25,735 What are you... What did you do that for? 373 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:27,052 Dramatic effect. 374 00:15:27,135 --> 00:15:29,679 Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon? 375 00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,681 Yes, we discovered a species of tiny pig 376 00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:33,809 off the coast of new Australia 377 00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:36,061 - about 30 yards east. - Or 300 yards west. 378 00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:37,437 We'd offer you some, 379 00:15:37,521 --> 00:15:39,856 but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast. 380 00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:41,691 Well, I thought I'd walk to the south pole 381 00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:43,527 and do a little bit of exploring. 382 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,028 If you guys need me, just yell 383 00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:46,279 or throw something so hard 384 00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:48,003 that it goes around the world and hits me. 385 00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:49,574 Okay, now that he's gone, 386 00:15:49,658 --> 00:15:52,077 can we please talk about our situation? 387 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,162 Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. 388 00:15:54,246 --> 00:15:55,580 You know, it's a small world. 389 00:15:55,831 --> 00:15:57,165 Please, he's in the south pole! 390 00:15:57,249 --> 00:15:59,626 And we need to have a serious conversation. 391 00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,932 South pole discovered, baby! 392 00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,767 Ohhhh! 393 00:16:15,851 --> 00:16:17,727 Oh fuck! An ice cave? 394 00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,020 Shit! 395 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,731 Things just keep on getting better. 396 00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:24,109 Wow, it's the planet's core. 397 00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:25,735 Jerry: I'm just saying, 398 00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,904 we keep acting like there's only two options, 399 00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,322 but there's not. 400 00:16:29,406 --> 00:16:31,199 So, yes, if we went back to earth, 401 00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:33,785 as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us. 402 00:16:33,869 --> 00:16:35,996 But, and this is purely hypothetical, 403 00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:38,498 what if we turned your father in to the government? 404 00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:39,749 Jerry, so help me god, 405 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,793 if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. 406 00:16:41,877 --> 00:16:43,420 There already is no more bacon! 407 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,922 This world sucks! Our life sucks! 408 00:16:46,006 --> 00:16:47,757 Why are we doing this for someone 409 00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:51,303 that would neverdo anything for anyone but himself? 410 00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:53,054 Morty: That's not the point, dad! 411 00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:56,057 We love Rick... F-For the most part. 412 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,286 Summer: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, 413 00:16:58,310 --> 00:17:00,353 dad, you love them unconditionally. 414 00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:02,397 That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. 415 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,107 Okay, so let me get this straight. 416 00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:05,358 For the rest of your lives, 417 00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:07,068 no matter how much it hurts you, 418 00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:09,279 no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, 419 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:12,073 we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? 420 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:13,950 All: Yes. — why?! 421 00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:16,620 Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb assholel! 422 00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:28,131 Hey. Uh... 423 00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,550 I was gonna hope over to the gloppydrop system, 424 00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:32,052 get some ice cream. 425 00:17:32,135 --> 00:17:33,720 You -— you want me to come with? 426 00:17:33,970 --> 00:17:36,389 Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? 427 00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:38,558 I'll be okay. Bye, morty. 428 00:17:38,642 --> 00:17:40,268 Rick? 429 00:17:40,352 --> 00:17:42,103 You're not leaving, right? 430 00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:44,022 Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. 431 00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:45,649 So, you're coming back? 432 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,943 Morty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream 433 00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:49,194 and then you don't come back, 434 00:17:49,277 --> 00:17:50,862 you haven't actually gotten ice cream, 435 00:17:50,946 --> 00:17:53,114 you've just gone where ice cream is. 436 00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:55,242 Rick, I can handle it if you go, 437 00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:57,160 but you'll break mom's heart. 438 00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:58,870 And I won't forgive you for that. 439 00:17:58,954 --> 00:18:01,248 Where's the Van, morty? 440 00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:04,167 It's over the horizon in the driveway. 441 00:18:15,387 --> 00:18:20,976 J” I hurt myself today j” 442 00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:25,772 For English, press 2. 443 00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:27,607 I been I connecting to agent. 444 00:18:27,691 --> 00:18:29,442 Wo m a n: Ongoing investigations. 445 00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:32,612 Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet earth. 446 00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:34,990 I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, 447 00:18:35,073 --> 00:18:36,324 the wanted criminal. 448 00:18:36,408 --> 00:18:37,617 Hold on! 449 00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,119 This is special agent gribbles. 450 00:18:39,202 --> 00:18:40,537 You have a t/p about Rick Sanchez? 451 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,622 Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, 452 00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:44,624 and he left us on dwarf terrace-9. 453 00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:47,460 He said he was gonna go to the plimplom tavern. 454 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,296 - And listen. - Yes? 455 00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:51,357 I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, 456 00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:55,218 so if we come back to earth, can my family have a normal life? 457 00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:57,887 We only want Sanchez, sir. Your family will be fine. 458 00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,472 Nice. Thank you. 459 00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:01,182 I'm Jerry Smith, 460 00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:04,144 and I love sucking big, sweaty boners 461 00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:08,440 and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. 462 00:19:08,523 --> 00:19:10,525 Uh... okay. 463 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:17,574 J” what have I become j” 464 00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:22,495 j” my sweetest friend j” 465 00:19:23,538 --> 00:19:28,251 j” everyone I know j” 466 00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:34,507 j” goes away in the end j” 467 00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:36,217 j” you could have it all j” 468 00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:40,638 - he's not coming back, is he? - Morty: No. 469 00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:42,932 J” my empire of dirt j” 470 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:46,019 hey, look, cops. 471 00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:52,776 J” I will let you down j” - good morning. 472 00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:58,239 J” I will make you hurt j” 473 00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:04,454 how long will you be visiting earth? 474 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:05,830 Oh, we live here. 475 00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,208 We were just off-planet for a wedding. 476 00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:09,542 Go that way. 477 00:20:30,522 --> 00:20:32,565 I have processed that you are in in distress 478 00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:34,734 and have proscribed antidepressants. 479 00:20:34,818 --> 00:20:37,278 Compliments of the galactic federation. 480 00:20:37,362 --> 00:20:38,446 I feel better. 481 00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:40,198 Your debt is 7,000 fed credits. 482 00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:41,991 Report to the ministry of employment 483 00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:44,327 and you will be assigned a function. 484 00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:47,789 Honey! I got a job! 485 00:20:47,872 --> 00:20:50,333 J” you could have it all j” 486 00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:53,878 sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot. 487 00:20:53,962 --> 00:20:59,467 J” my empire of dirt j” 488 00:20:59,551 --> 00:21:05,473 j” I will let you down j” 489 00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:09,853 j” I will make you hurt j” 490 00:21:14,858 --> 00:21:16,776 Hey, what are you in for? 491 00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:19,487 Everything. 492 00:21:24,492 --> 00:21:26,870 J”j” 493 00:21:55,356 --> 00:21:57,275 Hoo-whee, what a cliffhanger. 494 00:21:57,358 --> 00:21:58,943 Oh, boy, oh, my! 495 00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:01,362 That's a real crazy ending, huh? 496 00:22:01,446 --> 00:22:04,949 Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. 497 00:22:05,033 --> 00:22:06,826 As you can see, 498 00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:08,828 I'm still recovering from the bullet shot 499 00:22:08,912 --> 00:22:10,830 that I got from Beth. 500 00:22:10,914 --> 00:22:12,916 Remember that one? Ooh-wheel 501 00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:14,959 Come and get it, kitty. 502 00:22:15,210 --> 00:22:17,670 You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. 503 00:22:18,755 --> 00:22:20,423 Ooh-whee. 504 00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,425 Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. 505 00:22:25,261 --> 00:22:27,263 I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. 506 00:22:27,347 --> 00:22:29,766 Hey, what did youthink of that finale, huh? 507 00:22:29,849 --> 00:22:32,602 Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? 508 00:22:32,685 --> 00:22:34,163 Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bro. 509 00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:35,855 Your total is $12.37. 510 00:22:35,939 --> 00:22:37,899 Whoo-whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? 511 00:22:37,941 --> 00:22:39,877 Whoo-whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? 512 00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:41,501 Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! 513 00:22:43,655 --> 00:22:44,864 Ow! 514 00:22:44,948 --> 00:22:46,509 Tune in to "Rick and morty" season three in, 515 00:22:46,533 --> 00:22:48,576 like, a year and a half... 516 00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:52,247 Or longer to see how we unravel this mess. 517 00:22:52,330 --> 00:22:53,498 Ooh-wheel 518 00:22:53,581 --> 00:22:54,999 oh, my god! 519 00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:56,501 Did you get any of that? 520 00:22:56,584 --> 00:22:58,545 It's-a good-a show!