1 00:00:01,919 --> 00:00:03,253 Rick: Morty?! 2 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:06,256 - Morty! - Rick? 3 00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:08,717 - Rick: Hey, morty?! - Rick? 4 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:11,512 Are you far away, or are you inside something? 5 00:00:11,637 --> 00:00:12,971 Is this a camera? 6 00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:14,640 Is everything a camera? 7 00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:16,391 Rick: Morty, the garage, morty. 8 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:17,768 Come to the garage! 9 00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:21,104 - Morty'? - Riok? W-Where are you? 10 00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:22,430 Rick: On my work bench, morty. 11 00:00:22,481 --> 00:00:24,501 Are you invisible and you're gonna, like, fart on me? 12 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:25,609 Rick: Flip the pickle over. 13 00:00:25,734 --> 00:00:26,735 What, I'm gonna touch it, 14 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,421 and you're gonna tell me it's an alien dick or something. 15 00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:30,197 Rick: Come on, flip the pickle, morty. 16 00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:33,116 You're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge. 17 00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:35,244 I turned myself into a pickle, morty! 18 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,538 Boom! Big reveal... I'm a pickle. 19 00:00:37,663 --> 00:00:38,823 What do you think about that? 20 00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,624 I turned myself into a pickle! 21 00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:42,626 W-What are you just staring at me for, bro? 22 00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:44,545 I turned myself into a pickle, morty! 23 00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:45,796 - And? - And? 24 00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:47,440 What more do you want tacked on to this? 25 00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:50,133 I turned myself into a pickle, and 9/11 was an inside job. 26 00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:51,468 - Was it? - Who cares, morty? 27 00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:53,262 Global acts of terrorism happen every day. 28 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,427 Uh, here's something that's never happened before... 29 00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:56,723 I'm a pickle. 30 00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:59,101 I'm pickle Rick! 31 00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:06,692 [Dramatic music plays] 32 00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:37,514 Are you going to, I mean, you know... 33 00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:39,641 Is this the first part of some kind of magic trick? 34 00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:41,643 I don't do magic, morty, I do science. 35 00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:43,496 One takes brains, the other takes dark eyeliner. 36 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,689 Well, can you move? Can you fly? 37 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,374 Wouldn't be much of a pickle if I could. 38 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:50,360 All right, well, do pickles live forever or... 39 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:53,614 Morty, stop digging for hidden layers and just be impressed. 40 00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:55,157 - I'm a pickle. - I-I'm just trying 41 00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:56,867 to figure out why you would do this... 42 00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:58,243 Why anyone would do this. 43 00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:00,787 The reason anyone would do this is, if they could, 44 00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:02,998 which they can't, would be because they could, 45 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:03,999 - which they can't. - [ Door opens] 46 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,168 Morty, we have to get going, or we're gonna be late. 47 00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:08,062 - Where's your grandpa? - Rick: Right here, sweetie. 48 00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:09,546 - I'm a pickle! - What?! 49 00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:11,006 Why would you... ugh! 50 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,691 Look, we're running late. We have to go. 51 00:02:12,758 --> 00:02:13,925 W-Where are you guys going? 52 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:16,178 We have an appointment downtown 53 00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:19,222 that was set a week ago and agreed upon by everyone, 54 00:02:19,348 --> 00:02:20,223 including you. 55 00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:23,518 Oh, my god. Beth, oh, it totally slipped my mind. 56 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,520 Geez, oh, man. I'm a pickle. 57 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,856 I mean, I don't know if I can... ooh, geez. 58 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,541 Rick, did you do this on purpose to get out of family counseling? 59 00:02:30,609 --> 00:02:31,985 - Morty! - It's okay, Beth. 60 00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:33,445 I understand morty's suspicion. 61 00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:35,113 I've misled him before. 62 00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:37,574 Morty, turn me so we're making eye contact. 63 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:41,328 Morty, I assure you, I would never find a way 64 00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:43,455 to get out of family therapy. 65 00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:45,180 I hope my lack of fingers doesn't prevent 66 00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:46,875 the perception of my air quotes. 67 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,561 Can't you just turn yourself back into a human? 68 00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:49,628 Great question, summer. 69 00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:52,631 The unfortunate answer is I did this to challenge myself. 70 00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:54,591 And it could take hours or even days 71 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,997 before I'm able to figure out how to return to human form. 72 00:02:57,094 --> 00:02:58,780 But, I mean, you know, your mom could put me 73 00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,347 in a purse or a pocket, you know, 74 00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:01,574 if she really needs me to go. 75 00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:03,725 Nobody needs anything. Okay, it's fine. 76 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,536 I mean, you should just stay here and figure out 77 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:06,853 how to stop being a pickle, okay? 78 00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:09,815 Hey, Rick, why is there a syringe of mysterious fluid 79 00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:11,233 hanging directly over you? 80 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,694 Also, why is the string attached to it running through 81 00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,445 a pair of scissors attached to a timer? 82 00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:17,948 And why is the timer set to 10 minutes from now, 83 00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:20,409 exactly when we would have left for therapy? 84 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:23,704 Well, morty, if you must know, 85 00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:26,456 the syringe is completely unrelated to this discussion 86 00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:28,434 and, therefore, does not warrant further explanation. 87 00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:30,961 Enough. Kids, it's time to go. We don't want to be late. 88 00:03:31,086 --> 00:03:32,462 W-W-What are you doing there, Beth? 89 00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:33,856 W-What are you doing there, sweetie? 90 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,733 Well, I mean, you don't want to get pierced by a needle 91 00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:37,843 full of liquid unrelated to your situation. 92 00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:39,094 How's that gonna help? 93 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,429 Can't argue with that. 94 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,634 Great. We'll see you later. 95 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:42,962 Hey, hey, be careful with that. 96 00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:44,117 - It's for something else. - [ Car doors open, close] 97 00:03:44,141 --> 00:03:45,284 - [ Engine starts] - It's really important, 98 00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:46,308 so don't break it. 99 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,938 Okay, I may have fucked up here. 100 00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:51,106 [Groans] 101 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:54,067 Dup, ap, ap, pap, ut, dah, pap, pap, pap, pah. 102 00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:55,819 T-T-Tah, tah. 103 00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:59,406 [ Blowing raspberries] 104 00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:00,699 [Groans] 105 00:04:00,824 --> 00:04:03,285 [Clicking tongue] 106 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,164 - [ Cat meows] - Oh, great. 107 00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,417 Stupid cat. 108 00:04:10,542 --> 00:04:12,127 [Cat sniffs, yowls] 109 00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,604 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I know what it looks like 110 00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:15,046 to you, Izzy, but I'm not a snake! 111 00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:16,691 I've seen the YouTube videos. I know cats are scared 112 00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:18,943 of cucumbers and pickles because they think they're snakes. 113 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:20,302 - [ Hisses] - I'm not a snake! 114 00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:21,678 I'm a pickle, I'm a pickle! 115 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:22,888 Whoa! [Grunts] 116 00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:25,098 Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa! 117 00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:26,475 [Groans] 118 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,269 Oh, crap, that sun is bright. 119 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,480 Okay, come on. 120 00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:32,999 This can't really be the way I go out. 121 00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:34,441 This is the mega-genius equivalent 122 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,193 of dying on the toilet. 123 00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:40,530 80 hot. 124 00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:42,365 This is how I'm gonna die. 125 00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:49,956 [Thunder rumbles] 126 00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:54,002 Oh, god, moisture. 127 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,505 Oh, god, the moisture. Dial it back, god. 128 00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,507 Dial it back a little bit here! 129 00:04:58,632 --> 00:04:59,716 Oh! Oh. 130 00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:01,051 [Gasping ] 131 00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:03,053 [Grunting] 132 00:05:03,178 --> 00:05:04,221 Oh, god! 133 00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:06,348 Perpendicular, perpendicular! 134 00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:07,933 Oh, shit! 135 00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:10,143 Oh! Oh! 136 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,398 [Screaming] 137 00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,317 [Grunting] 138 00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,694 Oh! 139 00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:25,283 [Squeaking] 140 00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,454 Come on. That's it. 141 00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:31,581 Come get this delicious brine. 142 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:32,706 Aah! 143 00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:34,668 - [ Squeals] - [ Grunts] 144 00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,711 [Muffled ] Come on! Come on, motherfucker! 145 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,046 Come on! 146 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:40,173 [Grunting] 147 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,219 [Loud crunch] 148 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,763 [Panting] 149 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:03,572 How is this even family therapy 150 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:06,032 if dad's not invited and grandpa won't come? 151 00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:08,243 Yeah, and what's courageous about eating a hot dog? 152 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,579 It's nobody's choice to be here, you knobs. 153 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,331 The family was told to get counseling by your principal, 154 00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:15,083 even though it's not the family that was 155 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,544 huffing pottery glaze in the art room 156 00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,296 and desk wetting in history class. 157 00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:21,172 - [ Door opens] - Oh, the Smith family, 158 00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:22,549 minus a dad. 159 00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,384 You're patients of Dr. Wong, too? 160 00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:26,386 Temporarily... By order of the school. 161 00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:29,472 Me too. How long have you all been eating poop? 162 00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:33,935 We... have never... eaten poop. 163 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,520 Uh, me, neither. 164 00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:38,690 Say, where did my family get off to? [Chuckles] 165 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,483 Smith family, I'm Dr. Wong. 166 00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:42,027 Come on in. 167 00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:49,034 I was told there was a grandpa that might be joining us? 168 00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:50,994 He got wrapped up in an experiment. 169 00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,746 He's a scientist. 170 00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:55,081 Like, legit, like on a an inter-galactic, 171 00:06:55,206 --> 00:06:56,750 sckfilevel his work is very... 172 00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:58,155 He turned himself into a pickle. 173 00:06:58,209 --> 00:07:00,295 Morty, mom's talking. I'm sorry. 174 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,213 I suppose that's a good segue 175 00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:04,633 into our little discipline cases here. 176 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:07,469 Does grandpa turn himself into a pickle a lot? 177 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:10,513 What?! No! What kind of question is that? 178 00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:13,475 The kind that wasn't designed to attack or hurt you in any way. 179 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,852 Oh, Jesus Christ, one of these. 180 00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:19,272 No, my father has never turned himself into a pickle before. 181 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,566 He's unpredictable and eccentric. 182 00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:23,818 The whole family is. Speaking of which... 183 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,780 Okay, let's open things up to the whole family, 184 00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:28,949 and let me ask this. 185 00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:32,118 Why do we think grandpa turned himself into a pickle? 186 00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:36,081 [Sawing ] 187 00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:41,044 [Sighs] 188 00:07:41,169 --> 00:07:43,213 Wow. Ugh! 189 00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,174 [Snarling] 190 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:48,551 Hey, listen, I know this is your world, not mine. 191 00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:50,363 The sooner I can get out, the sooner I can go back 192 00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:53,556 to taking big craps, and you can go back to subsisting on them. 193 00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:55,892 You are one driven rat. 194 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:59,854 Could you be a little more driven? 195 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,731 To the right. 196 00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,693 Yes, yes, yes! 197 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,778 Come on, come on, come on! Fresh, fresh, fresh! 198 00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:08,780 Whoa, whoa, whoa, was this your friend? 199 00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:10,782 Don't worry, he died doing what he loved, 200 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:12,367 being a dumb fucking rat. 201 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,035 [Grunts] 202 00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:17,622 [Snarling, screeching] 203 00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,582 [Dramatic music plays] 204 00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,931 Oh, yeah! 205 00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:37,017 [Grunting] 206 00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:41,354 [Laughs] 207 00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:44,607 [Rats squealing] 208 00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:58,288 [Grunting] 209 00:08:58,413 --> 00:08:59,914 Aaaah! 210 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,624 I didn't say my father is perfect, 211 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:03,084 I said his work is important. 212 00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:04,919 And she's saying what's important is 213 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,045 that grandpa lied to you to get out of coming here. 214 00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:08,088 Oh, he did not! 215 00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:09,549 Let's do an experiment here. 216 00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:11,926 I get the impression this family values science. 217 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:14,179 So raise your hand if you feel certain 218 00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:16,056 you know what was in the syringe. 219 00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:19,601 Raise your hand if you know for certain 220 00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,812 the syringe does not contain anti-pickle serum. 221 00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:26,125 Beth, your hand did a little thing there. 222 00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,543 Do you really not see what's happening here? 223 00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,444 - Tell me. - Well, Dr. Wong... 224 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,029 By the way, racist name... 225 00:09:31,154 --> 00:09:33,156 Obviously, morty and summer are seizing on your 226 00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:35,408 arbitrary pickle obsession as an end run 227 00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:37,619 around what was supposed to be their therapy. 228 00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:40,997 Oh, I think this pickle incident is a better path than any other 229 00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:42,999 to the heart of your family's dysfunction. 230 00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:44,924 I think it's possible that you and your father 231 00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:47,170 have a very specific dynamic. 232 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,295 I don't think it's one 233 00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:50,131 that rewards emotion or vulnerability. 234 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,508 I think it may punish them. 235 00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:54,177 I think it's possible that dynamic eroded your marriage 236 00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:56,096 and is infecting your kids with a tendency 237 00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:57,847 to misdirect their feelings. 238 00:09:59,140 --> 00:09:59,933 Fuck you. 239 00:10:00,058 --> 00:10:00,934 - Mom! - Mom! 240 00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:02,059 Fuck both of you, too. 241 00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,020 [Snarling] 242 00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:06,356 By the way, you might notice that in spite of 243 00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:08,149 your numerous distinctive features 244 00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:11,736 [growls] I never gave you a name like scar or stripe or Goliath. 245 00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,197 That's because, to me, you aren't special. 246 00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:16,491 You were special to rats. Now they're dead. 247 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,910 I guess it was me you should have impressed. 248 00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:20,703 God damn it, I love myself. 249 00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:33,383 Pickle Rick! 250 00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,433 [Grunting] 251 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:45,395 [Sighs] 252 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,730 [Grunting] 253 00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:50,024 Get that parkour. Get that parkour! 254 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,693 [Grunts] 255 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,403 [Elevator dings] 256 00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:54,988 - [ All gasp] - Hey, it's cool. 257 00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:56,340 Just need to find the nearest exit. 258 00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:57,907 Whoa, whoa, whoa! No need to freak out. 259 00:10:58,032 --> 00:10:59,742 [Shouting in Russian] 260 00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:00,868 Whoa! 261 00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:02,287 [Panting] 262 00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:04,414 Who in the fuck's toilet is this? 263 00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:07,375 [Alarm blaring] 264 00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:12,380 What is it? 265 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,883 [Russian accent] A pickle? A rat? Both. 266 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,527 [Russian accent] It says it's a scientist. 267 00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:17,719 Where is it? 268 00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:19,554 It seems to be using the air ducts 269 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,181 and the mail tubes to get around. 270 00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:23,850 It's been gathering office supplies, we think, 271 00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:25,143 to build weaponry. 272 00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:27,687 But look what it did on the mezzanine. 273 00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:31,649 It transferred a bottle from the trash to the recycling bin. 274 00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:35,236 Whatever this thing is, it's shaming us. 275 00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:37,822 We have 34 armed guards, and we can't kill a pickle? 276 00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:39,824 32 armed guards. 277 00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:41,618 He killed two. 278 00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:42,785 It's on the phone. 279 00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:45,705 Put him on, and locate the phone he's using. 280 00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:47,123 - [ Phone beeps] - Hello. 281 00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:50,126 Rick: Hi, um, can you, uh [Belches] please let me out? 282 00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:51,753 Your mere presence in this building 283 00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:53,630 violates international law. 284 00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:56,758 I couldn't let you out even if you hadn't killed two men. 285 00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:59,010 You should know those men killed themselves. 286 00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:00,762 Pavel: And how is that? 287 00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,764 Rick: They didn't [Belches] let me out. 288 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:03,598 Solen'ya. 289 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,058 Shut your mouth and do yourjobs, 290 00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:06,183 you fucking children! 291 00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:08,102 Uh, is this not a good time or... 292 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,813 Some of my men are calling you "solen'ya"... 293 00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:14,150 The pickle man, an old wives' tale. 294 00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:15,777 He crawls from bowls of cold soup 295 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,029 to steal the dreams of wasteful children. 296 00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:19,634 Rick: That'd be a lucky break for you. 297 00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:20,823 Go, shoot to kill. 298 00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:23,492 Aaah! 299 00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:27,914 [ Both scream ] 300 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,668 [Gunfire in distance] 301 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:36,965 [Russian accent] We got him. 302 00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:39,008 Rick: Because this pickle 303 00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:41,177 doesn't care about your children. 304 00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,388 And I'm not gonna take their dreams. 305 00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:46,307 I'm gonna take their parents. 306 00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:47,767 [ Beeping ] 307 00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:52,355 [Whirring] 308 00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,153 [Whirring] 309 00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,197 [Screaming] 310 00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:04,826 Solen'ya! He's coming! 311 00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:07,537 It's because I threw halfway my sandwich! 312 00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:09,330 He's just a pickle! 313 00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:10,498 He's a monster. 314 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,208 He's not the only one. 315 00:13:13,251 --> 00:13:14,251 [Beep] 316 00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:25,221 You can stay dead to the world and die in this room. 317 00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:29,350 Or you can kill a pickle for me and earn your freedom. 318 00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:33,604 There is no freedom while your leader breathes. 319 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,773 Our country is a prison. 320 00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:37,608 Then catarina is a prisoner. 321 00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:40,111 Perhaps I could arrange her escape, as well. 322 00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,739 She lives, Jaguar. 323 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,242 Where is this pickle? 324 00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,536 What do you think is in the syringe, Beth? 325 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,247 You're the one that costs $200 an hour. You tell me. 326 00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:52,891 - Anti-pickle serum. - It's anti-pickle serum. 327 00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:55,793 Your kids think it might be anti-pickle serum. 328 00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:59,547 My kids pee their desks and suck on unbaked vases. 329 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,712 They're just angry at me for divorcing their father. 330 00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:03,217 I never said I was angry at you. 331 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,470 That's the point of pottery-enamel huffing, summer. 332 00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:07,096 You do it so you don't have to say, 333 00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,140 "I'm angry at mommy," out loud. 334 00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:10,808 Oh, my god! Oh, there... 335 00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:12,935 There's pictures of people eating poop in there! 336 00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:16,814 It's not my job to take sides or pass judgment. 337 00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,317 Do you think when your father asks for that syringe, 338 00:14:19,442 --> 00:14:20,151 you could ask him... 339 00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:21,596 He won't have to ask for it, okay? 340 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,780 He won't need it. He'll just make more. 341 00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:26,074 He doesn't need anything from anyone. 342 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,534 You admire him for that. 343 00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:30,809 It's better than making your problems 344 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,246 other people's problems. 345 00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,374 [Whirring] 346 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,263 [Screams] 347 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,307 Oh, come on! [Grunts] 348 00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:57,271 [Screams] 349 00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:58,523 [Groans] 350 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,484 [Sighs] 351 00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:04,779 Pickle man, you should know this isn't personal! 352 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,364 You should know that isn't original. 353 00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:07,489 They have my daughter. 354 00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,534 There's nothing I won't do to see her again. 355 00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:11,786 Yeah, there's lots I wouldn't do to see my daughter, 356 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,579 but killing you gets me to her quicker 357 00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:15,373 than your derivative bullshit. 358 00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:17,125 [Groaning] 359 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:20,294 [ Both screaming ] 360 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,213 I never bullshit, pickle man. 361 00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:24,424 This can only end with one of us dead, 362 00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:25,967 and I have never died. 363 00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:27,885 That will be your downfall, Jaguar, 364 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,179 not being open to new experiences. 365 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,184 [Gunfire] 366 00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,860 Is it done? 367 00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,278 Jaguar?! 368 00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:47,155 Rick: Jaguar couldn't make it. 369 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,322 Pave I: Do it. 370 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,616 Okay, you win, pickle man. 371 00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,034 I'm unsealing the building. 372 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,704 Rick: No, thanks. I'm coming for you now. 373 00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:57,331 Pickle man, there's $100 million worth of bonds 374 00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:58,708 in a safe on level two. 375 00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:00,033 I'll give you the combination. 376 00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:01,919 That money belongs to the people. 377 00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:04,172 Shut up and call me a helicopter, you prick! 378 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,298 Do we have a deal?! 379 00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:07,401 Rick: Take that money, give it to Jaguar's daughter 380 00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:08,426 when you set her free. 381 00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:09,719 Or I'll be visiting you. 382 00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:11,304 Pavel: Jaguar's daughter is dead. 383 00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:12,555 Huh, so you're a liar. 384 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,098 Pavel: Jaguar was an animal. 385 00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:15,683 You're an intelligent pickle. 386 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,101 We can do business. 387 00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,187 Rick: I don't think so. See you soon. 388 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,563 - Is the helicopter here? - Yes. 389 00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:23,107 And the police are on the way. What do we tell them? 390 00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:24,232 - Ooh! - Aah! 391 00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:25,985 Tell them we were robbed. 392 00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:30,531 [Helicopter blades whirring] 393 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,825 Hey! Hey, what are you doing?! 394 00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:34,410 I'm right here! 395 00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:51,010 Farewell, solen'ya. 396 00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:56,891 F-15s are scrambled. 397 00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,393 This helicopter will be shot down in seven minutes. 398 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,959 Well, my daughter is about five away, 399 00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:02,688 and I've got about eight to live. 400 00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:05,066 Pickle man, it's too late for me to tell my daughter 401 00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,817 I love her, but not for you. 402 00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:08,194 Oh, well, uh, she knows. 403 00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:10,172 I mean, we don't really buy into that kind of crap. 404 00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:11,632 To the extent that love is an expression 405 00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:14,242 of familiarity over time, my access to infinite timelines 406 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,035 precludes the necessity of attachment. 407 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,496 In fact, I even abandoned one of my infinite daughters 408 00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:22,500 in an alternate version of earth that was taken over by mutants. 409 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,961 Okay. Good luck with that. 410 00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:27,046 Wait. Do I have infinite daughters? 411 00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:30,132 Huh? Uh, no. No, nope, sorry about that. 412 00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:31,551 Nope, just me. 413 00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:34,136 Yeesh! 414 00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:41,394 Afraid... 415 00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:42,937 That my kids will get expelled. 416 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,438 Good. Summer, you go. 417 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,816 I am mad... 418 00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:48,818 That I can't huff enamel 419 00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:51,821 without people assuming it's because my family sucks. 420 00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:55,366 I hope to be seen one day 421 00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:57,285 as someone that just likes getting high. 422 00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:58,244 Good job. 423 00:17:58,369 --> 00:18:00,162 Morty, do you have an "I" statement? 424 00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:03,666 I am sad... 425 00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:04,959 That I peed. 426 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:08,546 I'm sad that I peed in class instead of a toilet. 427 00:18:08,671 --> 00:18:11,757 Look at this family go. You guys are pros. 428 00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:14,844 What do you guys think about doing this once a week? 429 00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:17,888 Ugh. 430 00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:23,311 [Grunts] 431 00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:25,479 [Groans] 432 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,356 - You must be Rick. - Mm-hmm. 433 00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:28,983 I've heard a lot about you today. 434 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,027 Your family is crazy about you. 435 00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:32,838 Your daughter holds you in very high regard. 436 00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,155 You're a lucky fella. 437 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,073 Yeah, thank you. Uh, sweetie, you don't still 438 00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:37,838 happen to have that syringe in your purse? 439 00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:43,289 Dad... 440 00:18:43,414 --> 00:18:47,835 I would like you to tell me what's in the syringe. 441 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:52,006 It's a serum that I need to, uh... to stay alive. 442 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,967 I have had a rough day. 443 00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:58,346 And, uh, I've sustained a lot of damage. 444 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:01,349 I'm pretty close to death, which the serum will prevent. 445 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,768 By changing you from a pickle to a human. 446 00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:05,519 Yes. 447 00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:07,605 Rick, why did you lie to your daughter? 448 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,858 So I wouldn't have to come here. 449 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,210 Why didn't you want to come here? 450 00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:14,654 Because I don't respect therapy, because I'm a scientist. 451 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,864 Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy 452 00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,550 for a living, and when I don't like something 453 00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:19,742 about the world, I change it. 454 00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:21,928 And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall 455 00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:23,829 to listen to some agent of averageness 456 00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:25,665 explain which words mean which feelings 457 00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:27,249 has ever helped anyone do anything. 458 00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:29,019 I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable 459 00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:30,878 and stop panicking, which is a state of mind 460 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,755 [burps] We value in the animals we eat 461 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,465 but not something I want for myself. 462 00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:35,716 I'm not a cow. 463 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,802 I'm a pickle... When I feel like it. 464 00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:40,554 So... you asked. 465 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,890 Rick, the only connection between 466 00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,226 your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness 467 00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:48,145 destroying your family is that everyone in your family, 468 00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:51,732 you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. 469 00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:54,318 You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind 470 00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:58,155 as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. 471 00:19:58,280 --> 00:19:59,699 And I think it's because the only 472 00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:01,826 truly unapproachable concept for you 473 00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:04,829 is that it's your mind within your control. 474 00:20:04,954 --> 00:20:06,622 You chose to come here. 475 00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:09,500 You chose to talk, to belittle my vocation, 476 00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:11,794 just as you chose to become a pickle. 477 00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:13,838 You are the master of your universe, 478 00:20:13,963 --> 00:20:16,549 and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces, 479 00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:19,844 your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. 480 00:20:19,969 --> 00:20:22,513 I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless 481 00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:25,266 by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth 482 00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:26,559 and wipe my ass. 483 00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:28,477 Because the thing about repairing, 484 00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:32,273 maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. 485 00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:34,692 There's no way to do it so wrong, you might die. 486 00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:36,277 It's just work. 487 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:37,402 And the bottom line is, 488 00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:40,948 some people are okay going to work, and some people... 489 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,325 Well, some people would rather die. 490 00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:45,995 Each of us gets to choose. 491 00:20:48,122 --> 00:20:49,874 - [ Watch beeps ] - That's our time. 492 00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:51,319 I'm going to give you guys my card 493 00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:52,519 and hope to hear from you again. 494 00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,396 And if you have any friends or family that eat poop 495 00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:57,089 and would like to stop, give them my number. 496 00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:03,429 I'm sorry I lied to get out of the thing. 497 00:21:03,554 --> 00:21:05,598 - I... I shouldn't lie to you. - Oh, it's fine. 498 00:21:05,723 --> 00:21:08,017 I mean, thank you, and, yeah, you shouldn't. 499 00:21:08,142 --> 00:21:09,810 But I hope you know that's not what 500 00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:11,520 that session was supposed to be. 501 00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:14,106 Oh, no, I mean, I know it was morty peeing his pants 502 00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:15,983 and summer snorting glue or whatever... 503 00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,108 [Beth laughs] 504 00:21:17,151 --> 00:21:19,945 She huffed enamel, and we never even talked about it. 505 00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:21,298 Rick: Well, there was so much more at stake. 506 00:21:21,322 --> 00:21:22,322 [Beth laughs] 507 00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:25,451 Rick: I mean, that shrink, what a monologuist. 508 00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:28,996 Are we gonna go back? 509 00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:30,915 Sweetie, could I get... Get that syringe now? 510 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:33,292 Oh, my god, yes! Dad, it's in my purse. 511 00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:35,294 Oh, I'm sorry. You must be in agony. 512 00:21:38,255 --> 00:21:40,758 [Groans] 513 00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:43,260 [Coughing] 514 00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:44,220 Jesus. 515 00:21:44,345 --> 00:21:45,596 [Coughs] 516 00:21:45,721 --> 00:21:48,098 Jesus Christ. Therapists, man. 517 00:21:48,224 --> 00:21:49,517 Weird breed. 518 00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:51,227 Man, I missed having hands... 519 00:21:51,352 --> 00:21:54,188 And blood and a stomach. 520 00:21:54,313 --> 00:21:55,648 We should get a drink. 521 00:21:55,773 --> 00:21:57,107 Really? Like, go somewhere? 522 00:21:57,233 --> 00:21:59,693 Yeah, let's drop the kids off and go tie one on. 523 00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:01,445 Absolutely. 524 00:22:02,112 --> 00:22:03,989 I-I liked her. 525 00:22:04,114 --> 00:22:07,076 So what are you thinking, like, smokey's tavern? 526 00:22:07,201 --> 00:22:08,077 Maybe shoney's? 527 00:22:08,202 --> 00:22:10,120 Yeah, ehherone. Ehherone. 528 00:22:10,246 --> 00:22:13,958 [Dramatic music plays] 529 00:22:42,611 --> 00:22:44,491 Rick: You'll never get away with this, concerto. 530 00:22:44,530 --> 00:22:46,574 That is where you're mistaken, Mr. Sanchez. 531 00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:50,327 This shall be my greatest performance of all time! 532 00:22:50,452 --> 00:22:52,204 [ "Moonlight sonata" plays] 533 00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:54,415 Rick: This is it, morty. We're goners. 534 00:22:54,540 --> 00:22:55,642 We're not getting out of this one. 535 00:22:55,666 --> 00:22:57,066 After everything we've been through, 536 00:22:57,126 --> 00:22:58,246 this is how we're gonna die. 537 00:22:58,294 --> 00:22:59,753 Make peace with your god. 538 00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:01,755 Oh, geez, Rick, i-i-i don't want to die! 539 00:23:01,881 --> 00:23:04,842 And now for the e-splat! 540 00:23:04,967 --> 00:23:06,302 [Grunts] 541 00:23:07,261 --> 00:23:08,261 Jaguad 542 00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:14,268 who... who was that, Rick? 543 00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:17,187 That, morty, is why you don't go to therapy.