1 00:00:02,252 --> 00:00:04,588 Come on, football! Go, go! 2 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:08,091 Oh, come on. 3 00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:10,427 Play football! 4 00:00:17,935 --> 00:00:19,311 Aaah! 5 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,397 Rick: So, you're mining stuff to craft with 6 00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:23,857 and crafting stuff to mine with? 7 00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:25,776 - Uh-huh. - Did your dad write this game? 8 00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:27,819 Mean. 9 00:00:30,113 --> 00:00:33,242 Gentlemen, you're needed by a friend in Washington! 10 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,702 How clandestine. 11 00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:38,806 If they can teleport, why did we take... 12 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,415 I just work here, Steve, same as you! 13 00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:44,419 All right. All right, all right. 14 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,630 - Mr. President. - It's about time, gentlemen. 15 00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:47,941 Rick, do you need to drink in here? 16 00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:49,299 - Yes. - Here's the adventure. 17 00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:51,343 Some kind of alien... googa 18 00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:53,220 has infested the Kennedy sex tunnels. 19 00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:55,264 I want it hunted down and taken out. 20 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:56,682 Kennedy sex tunnels? 21 00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:58,159 Naturally, you'll forget you saw them, 22 00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:00,352 along with, in order of national embarrassment, 23 00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:02,521 the Truman cocaine lounge, the McKinley hooker dump, 24 00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:04,565 and the Lincoln slave coliseum. 25 00:01:04,690 --> 00:01:06,358 He didn't free them all. 26 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:07,669 And let me know when you're done. 27 00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:08,711 Maybe then we could get a selfie? 28 00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:10,821 Too busy, morty. Now tell me about this summit. 29 00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:13,448 Is it a peace one or a regular one? 30 00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,085 Ugh. This sucks. 31 00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:26,336 God, tell me about it. 32 00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:27,838 Oh, man. If you're not into it... 33 00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:29,673 What do you mean? Why would I be into it? 34 00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:31,758 - It's lame. - You're into lame stuff, morty. 35 00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:33,885 I thought young dumb people considered it an honor 36 00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:36,096 to work for presidents or whatever the shit. 37 00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:38,390 Maybe the first few times, but this just sucks. 38 00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,267 He treats us like ghostbusters. 39 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:42,203 - We should talk to him. - Yeah, that sounds fun. 40 00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:44,479 Let's set some boundaries with a spoiled control freak 41 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:45,765 that thinks he runs the world 42 00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,936 and orders drone strikes to cope with his insecurity. 43 00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:50,360 It's either that or more of this. 44 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:51,862 Third choice... 45 00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:53,363 - "Minecraft." - you like it now? 46 00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,699 Got to be honest, morty. It's growing on me. 47 00:01:55,824 --> 00:01:57,200 Notify the president. 48 00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:59,620 - What do I tell him? - Tell him the truth. 49 00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:03,582 Tell him Rick and morty just blew off america. 50 00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:36,883 Morty: You can use that wood to make a chest. 51 00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:38,343 Rick: Oh, good. Then I can store all this wood 52 00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:39,868 I'll need later for chest-making. 53 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,137 Morty: Okay. You're not going to have fun 54 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,496 if you analyze everything. 55 00:02:42,621 --> 00:02:43,821 This is what they'd rather do? 56 00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,540 It's all in the transcript. 57 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,417 "Treats us like ghostbusters." 58 00:02:47,542 --> 00:02:49,086 So, ghostbusters aren't cool now? 59 00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:50,754 I don't recall signing that bill. 60 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:51,880 "Control freak." 61 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,257 "Orders drone strikes to cope with..." 62 00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:56,843 "Insecurity." 63 00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:58,261 Should we drone-strike them? 64 00:02:58,387 --> 00:03:00,267 - That would prove him right! - And blow him up. 65 00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:01,473 Give me the phone. 66 00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:03,409 Rick: Is this game popular with autistic people? 67 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:04,913 Why would you say something like that? 68 00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:06,228 'Cause I'm starting to love it. 69 00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:09,356 Morty: "Failure to answer is a felony offense"? 70 00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:10,357 Rick: Play it cool. 71 00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:12,322 As far as he knows, we're still in the tunnels. 72 00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:13,461 Secretary of defense: 73 00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:15,112 When should we reveal we can see them? 74 00:03:15,237 --> 00:03:16,717 We're holding all the cards right now. 75 00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:18,699 We don't show any before the time is right. 76 00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:19,950 - Awesome. - Rick: Yello? 77 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:21,451 Hi, guys. Us. President calling. 78 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:22,911 - How's it going? - Oh, hey. 79 00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,955 Just hard at work on this sex tunnel gagoo. 80 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,974 I think it's kind of our new archnemesis, you know? 81 00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:27,999 It might take a while. 82 00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:29,445 What do you think, morty, a month? 83 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:30,877 Fingers crossed, a month, yeah. 84 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:33,547 You lying dicks! 85 00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:35,112 I see your asses playing "minecraft"! 86 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,550 I got you on satellite! 87 00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:37,884 That's right. 88 00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:39,320 What do you have to say for yourselves? 89 00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:41,184 Okay, obviously, this looks bad, Mr. President. 90 00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:42,556 I mean, what doesn't look bad 91 00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:43,961 through an illegal spy satellite? 92 00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:45,016 Don't high-road me. 93 00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:46,828 The two of you break 1,000 federal laws a day. 94 00:03:46,852 --> 00:03:48,478 - Wow, really? - That's pretty cool. 95 00:03:48,603 --> 00:03:50,843 And, yes, yes, yes, yes, you save the world now and then. 96 00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,023 America returns that favor 97 00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:54,526 by not holding the two of you accountable to its laws. 98 00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:56,319 - Oh! - Oh! Oh, god. 99 00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:58,071 We... we didn't know you saw it that way. 100 00:03:58,196 --> 00:03:59,865 Well, it's nobody's fault. 101 00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:01,700 We never had "the talk," so to speak. 102 00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:03,052 Rick: Yeah. I mean, the way we see it, 103 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:05,746 when we show up, that's the favor to you. 104 00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:07,706 Especially, you know, when it turns out 105 00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:09,600 you wanted someone to come over just because you found 106 00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:11,293 an "x-files" monster in your basement. 107 00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:14,588 As for the reason you've never, like, arrested us, 108 00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:16,798 we assumed you just knew that it was impossible, 109 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,300 like, if you tried. 110 00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,469 You know, it wouldn't go well. 111 00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:24,681 Wouldn't go well? Can you elaborate? 112 00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:27,559 I think one of your 1,000 laws says, no, I can't elaborate. 113 00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:29,394 Just trust me. None of us want to go there. 114 00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:30,937 Which we'll never have to. 115 00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:32,814 By the way, we'll keep on saving the earth. 116 00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,459 You know, we're... We're happy to do that. 117 00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,210 Rick: Yeah, but not because it contains america... 118 00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,671 Because moving to a new version of earth is a bitch and a half. 119 00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:41,281 But feel free to call us, you know, as... as, like, friends. 120 00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:43,450 Yeah, like, if you ever want to take a selfie... 121 00:04:44,242 --> 00:04:45,911 So, are we cool? 122 00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:48,955 President: Yes. Thank you, gentlemen. 123 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:50,080 I told you, man! 124 00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:52,626 I'm impressed, morty. That went really well. 125 00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,963 Everybody, get a hold of yourselves! 126 00:04:57,088 --> 00:04:59,299 Sir, what is our new Rick and morty policy? 127 00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:02,552 Our policy is, we never needed them and never will again. 128 00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:04,679 Today, we celebrate our independence 129 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:06,306 from Rick and morty. 130 00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:08,600 Everyone out. 131 00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:18,068 J“ how can I move on from your love? J“ 132 00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:20,593 man: All this spring at clothes mart, there's a clothes sale. 133 00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:21,881 Come on down to the clothes section. 134 00:05:21,905 --> 00:05:24,032 I just put it on for fun. I know I can't buy it. 135 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:27,035 Oh, come on. You look great! You're only young once. 136 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,912 Just promise, if the results are too strong, 137 00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:30,037 you'll use protection. 138 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,706 Really?! Thanks! 139 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,084 - When did you get rad? - I don't know. 140 00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:38,255 Maybe I adjusted to the divorce and everything's new. 141 00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:39,673 I'll say. I couldn't stand you 142 00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:41,800 for more than an hour at a time before. 143 00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:43,385 No... no offense. 144 00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:46,179 I like it. It's great. You're like a different person. 145 00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:48,390 Yeah. 146 00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,433 Different person. 147 00:05:56,231 --> 00:05:58,108 Contato. 148 00:05:58,233 --> 00:06:01,319 Vamos! Vamos! Aaah! 149 00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:02,737 How do you like that, morty? 150 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,781 Whoa! Just like "minecraft"! 151 00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:06,950 Ooh, a tiny nuclear-capable species 152 00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:08,618 just got discovered in the Amazon. 153 00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:10,346 Let's go make first contact before someone else 154 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,889 - gets all their shit. - What about this? 155 00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,582 South park did it four years ago, morty. 156 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,959 - They're fast. - Rick: Or we're slow. 157 00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:20,881 Don't do it, guys. 158 00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:23,425 The casualties would be in the "Brazilians" 159 00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,051 because you're Brazilian. 160 00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:26,386 It's a threat and a pun. 161 00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:27,511 Nobody gets me. 162 00:06:27,596 --> 00:06:29,180 Americanos! Pressa! 163 00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:50,243 Oh. Hello, Rick. You're here, too. 164 00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:52,162 I guess this is a global crisis. 165 00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:53,705 Oh, god. Uh, Mr. President, 166 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,350 morty and I have the situation covered. 167 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:56,750 I'm sure you did. 168 00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:58,209 - Dismissed. - Dismissed? 169 00:06:58,335 --> 00:06:59,836 Yeah, dismissed. 170 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,213 Not needed here. You can leave and nobody will care. 171 00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:03,214 Have you never heard that before? 172 00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:04,859 Do you even know how to take out this kind of threat? 173 00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:05,926 We're not taking it out. 174 00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:09,220 We're going to shrink down and approach them diplomatically. 175 00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:14,726 - Rick: You shrink with pills? - Are you still here? 176 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:16,871 Shouldn't you be going down to your next version of earth 177 00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:18,855 with your selfie-craving star-fucker sidekick? 178 00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:20,523 - Whoa! - We're allowed to be here. 179 00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:22,067 You aren't president of the Amazon. 180 00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:23,818 Yeah, I learned about your job in school. 181 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:25,195 You're a civil servant. 182 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,529 We're technically your boss. 183 00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:27,697 Oh, please, morty. 184 00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:29,407 You pay as many taxes as you have pubes. 185 00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:32,077 Oh, I got pubes, commander-in-queef. 186 00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:34,287 - Y-You want to count them? - Commander-in-queef. 187 00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:35,497 That's it! Do it! 188 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,875 Recognize the rare element Sanchez-eum? 189 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,479 We've been preparing for a Rick- level eventuality for some time. 190 00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,648 You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it 191 00:07:43,672 --> 00:07:45,423 while you sat on your ass at peace summits. 192 00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:47,485 - Peace summits are important! - Oh, yeah! They work great! 193 00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,260 We're really drowning in peace! 194 00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:51,096 - You suck! - You suck! 195 00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:52,722 Task force Alpha, prepare to shrink. 196 00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:55,684 Is there a task force Alpha health plan, by the way? 197 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:58,090 Because if those pills are based on subatomic compression, 198 00:07:58,186 --> 00:07:59,538 you could get a more curable cancer 199 00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,731 just walking through the mushroom clouds. 200 00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:03,149 God damn it! I'll do it. 201 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,903 - Whoa. - Task force Alpha is disbanded. 202 00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:08,655 And you two aren't American anymore! 203 00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:10,657 I can say that. You're expatriated! 204 00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,701 If you step foot on homeland soil again, 205 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,577 I'll treat it as an invasion. 206 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:15,888 Is this supposed to be painful? 207 00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:16,788 Painful to watch. 208 00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,415 Oh, such lame shrinking. 209 00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:20,792 Oh, his clothes stay the same size? 210 00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:23,253 '70s shrinking, party of one. 211 00:08:23,378 --> 00:08:25,422 Eat my shrinking ass! 212 00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:29,134 There he goes. All right. Let's get out of here, morty. 213 00:08:30,552 --> 00:08:31,761 What the hell?! 214 00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,972 I made Sanchez-eum up, dumbasses. 215 00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:36,016 Don't believe everything you read on Wikipedia. 216 00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:38,852 Stand down. He's not afraid of pirates. 217 00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:41,563 Oh! Run, morty! That part was true! 218 00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:58,913 Rick: I-I can't talk now, sweetie. 219 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,182 - Oh, when can you? - Rick: Good point. 220 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,082 What's up? 221 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:03,567 Remember a little while ago when you said that, if I wanted, 222 00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:06,254 I could, like, leave earth and wander the infinite cosmos 223 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,816 to figure out who I am and that nobody would ever know I'd left 224 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,134 because you could replace me with a clone? 225 00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:12,427 - Mm-hmm. - Am I the clone? 226 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:13,970 - Sorry. What? - Am I the clone? 227 00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:16,115 Did the real me choose to leave, and I only think I chose to stay 228 00:09:16,139 --> 00:09:17,324 because that's what I need to think 229 00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:19,059 because I'm the replacement Beth? 230 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,186 -Okay. 231 00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:22,479 Wait. And one more thing. 232 00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:25,690 If I were a clone, would you tell me? 233 00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:28,586 Beth, you know, when... When smart people get happy, 234 00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:30,612 they stop recognizing themselves. 235 00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:33,990 And you are very smart because you're very much my daughter. 236 00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:36,993 Oh, god. You're right. I'm sorry. 237 00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:38,411 - Thank you, dad. - All good? 238 00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:40,413 Totally. I'm fine now. 239 00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:41,956 And just to be sure, 240 00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,642 you're not pretending to be convinced you're real 241 00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:45,436 because you're actually convinced you're a clone 242 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,271 and you're now terrified that becoming self-aware 243 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,922 would mean I'd have to terminate you? 244 00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:52,092 - No. - Rick: Okay. Glad I could help. 245 00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:53,384 See you soon. 246 00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:57,931 Aaaaaah! 247 00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:06,647 Where do I go? 248 00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:10,419 What does th... what... what... What... what does this mean? 249 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:11,443 This means nothing. 250 00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:13,196 Pull forward and park. 251 00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:14,447 Then say that, god damn it! 252 00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:16,449 Sorry. 253 00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:18,076 Bad day. 254 00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:22,539 I am presidentress of the mega gargantuans. 255 00:10:22,664 --> 00:10:25,041 We named ourselves before learning we were small. 256 00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:27,669 Madam presidentress, I'm president of america, 257 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:28,854 which is basically the world, 258 00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,158 but you didn't hear that from me. 259 00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:31,923 - I've come to... - I know who you are. 260 00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:33,758 We've already agreed to a ceasefire 261 00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:35,552 with your ambassadors, Rick and morty. 262 00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:37,613 - Rick and morty were here? - Of course they were here. 263 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,389 They can shrink instantly and teleport. 264 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:40,932 They told me to give you this. 265 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:43,268 They said it will stretch as your cancer pill wears off 266 00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:46,729 and your body awkwardly enlarges at the rate of a '50s movie. 267 00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:47,730 Are there pants? 268 00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,858 They said you'd prefer just a shirt. 269 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:52,694 Apparently, you have a need to swing your dick around? 270 00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:55,822 Rick and morty escaped. 271 00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:57,740 No shit. Take me to the Pentagon. 272 00:10:57,866 --> 00:10:59,242 We're at war with Rick and morty. 273 00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:00,928 You'll want to make a stop at the white house? 274 00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:03,454 I have pants at the Pentagon, Rhonda. It's in my contract. 275 00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:05,260 I mean you need to call a press conference. 276 00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,917 Israel and Palestine have announced a permanent ceasefire. 277 00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:09,752 - What? - They signed something called 278 00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:12,130 "the pretty obvious if you think about it" accord. 279 00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:14,507 Apparently, an anonymous American diplomat 280 00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:16,718 took them to a "star wars" cantina, 281 00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,511 where they smoked perspective-enhancing 282 00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,680 alien pheromones through a laser hookah. 283 00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:22,432 I still say it has to be putin. 284 00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:24,034 It was Rick and morty, you fucking dunce! 285 00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:25,161 But you're getting the credit, sir. 286 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,978 Your approval rating just hit 100%. 287 00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:28,463 Why would Rick and morty want that? 288 00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:30,148 Because they're assholes! 289 00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:32,734 I'm flattered, but it takes a whole team 290 00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,194 to achieve what we did today. 291 00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:35,653 Thank you. 292 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:36,321 Well? 293 00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:37,548 They haven't been back home, sir. 294 00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:39,782 We've got every possible location under surveillance. 295 00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,659 God damn it! They're right here! 296 00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:43,637 - They're here, god damn it! - Code red! We need backup! 297 00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:45,246 Everybody relax. 298 00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:46,557 Just waiting for you in the only room 299 00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:48,041 you can't blow up or spy on. 300 00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:49,876 So, we're not changing timelines for you, 301 00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:51,441 but now you have everything you want, 302 00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,963 so you can forget we exist, and we'll return the favor. 303 00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:55,368 You couldn't say that in a text? 304 00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,884 Well, since we won't be seeing each other again, my... 305 00:11:58,009 --> 00:12:00,178 Guys, we get it. It's a code red. Enough. 306 00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:01,888 My grandson has worked hard for you, 307 00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:03,640 and I feel like he's earned a selfie. 308 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:05,618 Honestly, I could take it or leave it at this point. 309 00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:06,517 You're taking it. 310 00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,523 No. What kind of fratty-ass status move is that? 311 00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:09,520 Get out of my office! 312 00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:11,314 Seriously? You're that stubborn? 313 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:13,292 He's the stubborn one. I'm protecting my country. 314 00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:14,359 Uh, from selfies? 315 00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:16,110 From subordination to hostile powers. 316 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:17,956 Uh, does China know about that deal-breaker? 317 00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:19,489 China doesn't piss on the white house. 318 00:12:19,614 --> 00:12:21,425 Well, why would they? I'm sure it was expensive. 319 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:22,992 - Get out. - Not without a selfie. 320 00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:23,743 Arrest them. 321 00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:25,179 Son, you have a right to refuse his order, 322 00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:26,889 and I guarantee you're going to die if you touch me, 323 00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,993 and there's no afterlife. Everything just goes black. 324 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,124 Don't do it. 325 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,043 - Whoa, Rick! - Okay. What was that? 326 00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:33,169 - Death. - What kind? 327 00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:34,521 - Instant. - There was no sound. 328 00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:36,005 - He just died. - Yeah, terrifying. 329 00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:37,566 It's a terrifying thing to watch happen. 330 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:38,716 It's called a deterrent. 331 00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:40,218 You couldn't just knock him out? 332 00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:42,053 How is knocking out a deterrent? 333 00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,405 Everyone wants to be knocked out. 334 00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:44,681 Nobody wants to be dead. 335 00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:46,242 You committed murder in the oval office. 336 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,284 - Now you can't leave. - That's fine. 337 00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:48,868 I said I'm not leaving without a selfie. 338 00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,270 Uh, I don't need a selfie. 339 00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:51,455 And I'm saying you aren't getting one 340 00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:52,355 and you aren't leaving. 341 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,899 - So we agree? - Yes. No. We disagree 342 00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:56,961 because you think you're getting a selfie and leaving. 343 00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:57,985 Am I getting a selfie? 344 00:12:58,027 --> 00:12:59,347 - Never. - Then I'm never leaving. 345 00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:00,530 - Exacfly. - See? 346 00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:01,531 Does anyone have a shot? 347 00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:03,408 Yes, nine people. I can show you. 348 00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:06,244 - But I wouldn't recommend... - Open fire! 349 00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:07,953 God, you are dumb! 350 00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:09,139 Get the president out of here! 351 00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:10,790 - Badidea. - Wait. Why? 352 00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,059 Because if there isn't someone in here 353 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,403 that they're not supposed to kill, 354 00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,229 they're going to wreck the place trying to kill me. 355 00:13:15,253 --> 00:13:17,171 As long as you live, no matter where you are, 356 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,924 if it isn't in a selfie with him, I'll be here. 357 00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:22,209 Jesus! He's not a fucking god! 358 00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:23,469 You don't know what I am! 359 00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:24,738 And you don't know what I can do! 360 00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:25,864 Geez, it's... it's cool, Rick! 361 00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:27,241 I'm doctor who in this motherfucker. 362 00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:29,350 I could be a clone. I could be a hologram. 363 00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,102 We could be clones controlled by robots 364 00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:32,520 controlled with special headsets 365 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:33,831 that the real Rick and morty are wearing 366 00:13:33,855 --> 00:13:34,873 while they're fucking your mother! 367 00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:35,897 I'm going to kill you! 368 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,567 Then come to 312 olive street! 369 00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:38,692 Is that her address? 370 00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,336 You don't know because you're a bad son! 371 00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:42,864 - Ow! - Take him down! Semper fi! 372 00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:43,989 Aaaaah! 373 00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:46,034 Man: Number three, the twister. 374 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,410 - Ow! Damn it. - Number four... 375 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:48,745 The hanky panky. 376 00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:51,831 Beth? 377 00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:54,083 My dad might have cloned me, and I might be the clone. 378 00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:55,936 And he says I'm not, but that's what he'd say to a clone. 379 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,129 - Typical. - Number six, the Texas ripple. 380 00:13:58,254 --> 00:13:59,756 You look like you to me. 381 00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:02,717 What are you, an idiot? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 382 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:03,842 That was so rude. 383 00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:06,322 I came to you for help, and now I'm insulting your intelligence. 384 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,786 And look where intelligence gets you. 385 00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,891 Well, don't knock intelligence, because right now 386 00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,643 I'd love to understand how I can help you. 387 00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,228 I can't be in charge of that, Jerry. 388 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,731 My mind, my ideas are all part of the variable. 389 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,900 The only constant is you. 390 00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,694 You know me inside and out. 391 00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:23,237 Do what you have to do. 392 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:26,699 Okay. Sit down. 393 00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,201 Now cross your legs. 394 00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:29,535 That leg on top. Good. 395 00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:31,662 Oh, what is this? 396 00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,749 Senior year, I took you on a date 397 00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,292 to the Milwaukee symphony orchestra 398 00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:39,379 performing the music of Alan silvestri in the park. 399 00:14:39,504 --> 00:14:41,506 At this point in the song from "volcano," 400 00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:43,549 when Tommy Lee Jones and the utility workers 401 00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:46,094 are using cars to guide the lava into a cul-de-sac, 402 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,804 I realized my palms were so sweaty, 403 00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:49,347 I would never get to hold your hand. 404 00:14:49,472 --> 00:14:50,752 But I was desperate to touch you, 405 00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:52,767 so I wiped my palm on the grass next to me. 406 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,732 But a snickers wrapper kind of got stuck on it, 407 00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:56,604 so I started kind ofjiggling it, 408 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,439 whipping it without moving too much. 409 00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:00,000 But you started looking over, and I thought, 410 00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:02,127 "well, this is it. She's going to see that I'm a loser, 411 00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:03,212 and I'll never get to touch her. 412 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:04,779 But I still have time to touch her." 413 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,197 But my hand had snickers on it, 414 00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:07,642 and the brass section was swelling 415 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,551 because it was the scene with the guy melting in the lava. 416 00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:11,577 And I just thought, "fuck it. Lips don't sweat." 417 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,290 Wow. Yeah. 418 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,793 I'll never forget that feeling. 419 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,628 You're the real thing. 420 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,004 Then that settles it, 421 00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:24,715 because my memory is of hating that night. 422 00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:27,969 But now, reliving it, all I can feel is how lucky I am 423 00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:33,015 to be loved by such a simple, honest, simple man. 424 00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:34,016 Simple twice. 425 00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:36,894 This isn't the woman you married, Jerry, 426 00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:38,604 because this woman loves you. 427 00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:42,066 U h... well, vive la difference. 428 00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:44,110 Okay. That was lame. 429 00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:46,779 Listen, I... words. 430 00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:48,531 Don cheadle. 431 00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,621 You have the right to get the fuck out of my office! 432 00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:57,707 You have the right to kiss my dick! 433 00:15:57,832 --> 00:15:59,792 Give me the thing. 434 00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:00,960 Ugh! 435 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:03,004 Oh! Ugh! 436 00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:09,427 Ugh! 437 00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:33,951 - Ooh! - Ooh! 438 00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:41,292 Oh! 439 00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:54,805 Aah! 440 00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:07,485 Ohh! 441 00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:09,820 Submit! Submit for the selfie! 442 00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:11,906 I yield! I yield! Take the selfie! 443 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:14,534 Okay. Morty, get in there and say, "cheese." 444 00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:16,577 M o rty? 445 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:17,787 Morty, come on! 446 00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:19,622 God damn it! 447 00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:24,835 Rick, don't get mad, but I-I stole your portal gun. 448 00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,087 Rick: What the fuck, morty?! 449 00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,881 I told you I didn't want the damn selfie 800 times! 450 00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:30,734 Look, whatever the hell is going on between you 451 00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:32,718 and the president, it's got nothing to do with me. 452 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,446 - So where did you go? - Morty: I can't tell you. 453 00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,639 Rick, did you tell my mom she might be a clone? 454 00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:38,474 No! I told her she wasn't! 455 00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,077 Well, isn't that what you'd tell a clone? 456 00:17:40,101 --> 00:17:41,203 Rick: Oh, for Christ's sake. 457 00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,067 Rick, my mom and dad are getting back together. 458 00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:44,814 What? No! She's not a clone! 459 00:17:44,939 --> 00:17:46,917 Well, she says it doesn't matter if she is or isn't 460 00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:48,192 because now she loves my dad, 461 00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:50,027 and she wanted me and summer to come home, 462 00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:52,029 and we're hiding from you so you don't kill her 463 00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:55,366 if she's a clone in a place I picked that you will never find. 464 00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:57,868 - So don't look for us. - I beep I 465 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,414 - come on, bitch! - Oh, you come on, bitch. 466 00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:02,915 I'm out. I'm done. 467 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,293 I got to... I got to go. 468 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,628 So I win. Then I'm in charge, and you can't leave. 469 00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,356 You're a terrorist. You're an enemy of the state, 470 00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,024 and you kicked me in the balls 10 minutes ago! 471 00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:12,800 The office of the president can't coexist 472 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:14,802 with a living god that won't submit to it... 473 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,304 I mean, besides Poseidon. 474 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:17,909 But he's locked up in area 51 already, 475 00:18:18,014 --> 00:18:18,889 so that doesn't really count. 476 00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,766 Mr. President, I'll make you a deal. 477 00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:22,852 If you let me use your ghetto-ass off-brand 478 00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:24,645 deficit-tripling teleporter, 479 00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:27,398 I can go take care of something, and you'll never see me again. 480 00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:29,984 Yes. Deal. Invisi-troopers, stand down. 481 00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,189 Yeah, yeah. 482 00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:32,153 I don't want to hear it. 483 00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:33,964 You know I could see them this whole time, right? 484 00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:35,364 Don't push it, Sanchez. 485 00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:47,209 He found us! 486 00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:48,520 I told you we shouldn't have gone 487 00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:49,879 to the same cabin as last time! 488 00:18:50,004 --> 00:18:52,298 Oh, we're not going anywhere. This ends now. 489 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:56,594 Dad, if you're my dad. Of course, you're not my dad. 490 00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:58,554 You're here with a gun because I am a clone. 491 00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:00,324 I guess I have all your daughter's memories. 492 00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:03,768 So I guess I was her, which makes me related to her. 493 00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:05,102 But I don't relate to her. 494 00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:09,231 She left her family and me, which means I relate to them. 495 00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:11,359 So if you kill me, fine. You're not killing her. 496 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:13,277 But you're killing a real family. 497 00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:15,696 And instead of doing that, will you just go away? 498 00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:17,448 Aren't there, like, infinite timelines? 499 00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:19,813 Can't you just move to one where I don't know I'm a clone 500 00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:21,952 and where a different but identical version 501 00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:24,622 of your authentic sociopathic crazy bitch 502 00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:26,874 of a daughter can keep making you proud 503 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,209 by being somewhere else? 504 00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:31,837 Beth, you crazy bitch. You're my daughter. 505 00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:33,464 I brought this here to kill Jerry. 506 00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:35,591 - Oh, my god! - Jesus Christ! 507 00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:38,594 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You win, Jerry. You win! 508 00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:41,972 No amount of genius can stop your dumb mediocre vacuous roots 509 00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:44,138 from digging into everything and everyone around you 510 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,686 and draining them of any ability to fend you off. 511 00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:49,730 Well, it couldn't have been easy for you to say that. 512 00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:50,856 I appreciate it. 513 00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:53,067 Morty, where's my portal gun? Let's get out of here. 514 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,276 I'm staying here, Rick. 515 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:56,028 Are you... ugh! 516 00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:57,321 Nobody gets it. 517 00:19:57,446 --> 00:19:58,948 Nothing you think matters matters. 518 00:19:59,073 --> 00:20:00,157 This isn't special. 519 00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:01,718 This... this is happening infinite times 520 00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:02,785 across infinite realities. 521 00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:05,287 Including this? 522 00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,792 Which is not to say that, subjectively, it wasn't funny. 523 00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:10,793 Are you going to stay? 524 00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:12,420 There's infinite timelines, morty. 525 00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:14,905 Why would I stay in the one where I trashed the white house, 526 00:20:14,964 --> 00:20:16,424 became an enemy of america 527 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:19,510 and the lowest-status character in my idiot family? 528 00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:23,013 Because of the fart? 529 00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:24,807 There's still some rubble over there. 530 00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,517 I don't think you've ever understood 531 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:29,562 what "secretary of the interior" means! 532 00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:31,605 Hi, Mr. President. I'm Rick Sanchez, 533 00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:33,315 but not the one that did this. 534 00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:36,318 We ricks travel the infinite and switch places with each other 535 00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:37,903 like hermit crabs, I think. 536 00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:39,238 I'm fly fishing Rick. 537 00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:40,716 You can distinguish me from the Rick 538 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:41,842 that you had a falling-out with 539 00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:44,577 by my fly-fishing enthusiasm and accompanying hat. 540 00:20:44,702 --> 00:20:45,870 I hope I can be of service 541 00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:48,038 if, uh, you ever find the planet to be in danger. 542 00:20:48,164 --> 00:20:49,164 Fhends? 543 00:20:51,292 --> 00:20:52,918 Sounds good to me. 544 00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:54,462 Kids, dinner! 545 00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:55,838 I got panda express! 546 00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:57,006 Did you get sugar chicken? 547 00:20:57,131 --> 00:20:58,841 That's kind of the only thing they have. 548 00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:00,551 I love panda e! Thanks, mom! 549 00:21:00,676 --> 00:21:02,796 I'm hoping to get a piece of your sugar chicken later. 550 00:21:02,887 --> 00:21:05,055 Stop it. 551 00:21:05,181 --> 00:21:06,974 Here's your stupid hat, dipshit. 552 00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,185 Dad, you can't talk to Jerry that way anymore. 553 00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:11,020 We're a real family now. 554 00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:13,147 In many ways, things will be like season 1 555 00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,690 but more streamlined. 556 00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:16,776 Now Jerry and I are happily married parents, 557 00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:18,319 and the idea that I was motivated 558 00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:20,321 by a fear of you leaving can be eschewed. 559 00:21:20,446 --> 00:21:22,490 Eschewed? You've never used that word. 560 00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:23,949 Maybe you are a clone. 561 00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:26,118 It's not like Rick would tell us. 562 00:22:02,905 --> 00:22:05,658 Ooh-wee! What a season! 563 00:22:05,783 --> 00:22:08,327 Sorry I never showed up, but I got married. 564 00:22:08,452 --> 00:22:09,203 I had a baby. 565 00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:12,498 I went back to school and got my g-e-e-e-d. 566 00:22:12,623 --> 00:22:14,875 What did you do while you were waiting? 567 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,629 Hopefully you didn't just fuck around and waste your life. 568 00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:20,172 Ooh-wee! 569 00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:24,885 See you for season 4 in, like, a really long time! 570 00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:29,098 I might even have a big white Santa claus beard 571 00:22:29,223 --> 00:22:31,267 and... and... and a... 572 00:22:31,392 --> 00:22:34,311 And a couple of grandkids 573 00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:36,438 and all that kind of stuff. 574 00:22:36,564 --> 00:22:38,649 See you... see you then!